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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25815838">An Undoing</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/asuxcaga/pseuds/asuxcaga'>asuxcaga</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Gundam SEED, Gundam SEED Destiny</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>AsuCaga, F/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 12:20:30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>32,407</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25815838</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/asuxcaga/pseuds/asuxcaga</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes you have to fall apart to know where you stand. Sometimes you have to destroy what you have so you can start anew. Athrun Zala was always on his way back to her. But when they finally meet again, he found her changed by the weight of the world as her crown. “You haven’t changed at all,” Cagalli told him, and it wasn’t a compliment. This is the story of their undoing. ASUCAGA. POST GSD.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Cagalli Yula Athha/Athrun Zala, Shinn Asuka/Cagalli Yula Athha</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>51</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>36</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Omen</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Some important points to take note of:<br/>- I know that Athrun, Cagalli, etc. were in their teens during the series but I've taken the liberty of aging them up a bit in this story. To be exact, for the purposes of this fanfic, they were 22 in the first war, 24 in second, and 25 currently in the story.<br/>- I'm aware that Orb's political system isn't a straight-forward monarchy situation but for this fic, Orb has a constitutional monarchy or some semblance of it. It's not really integral to the story but I thought I'd point it out anyway as that's the political framework I'm working with.<br/>- Also, I personally have an affinity for angst and dark themes. But I promise you that this is unequivocally an ASUCAGA fic. That was always the goal.<br/>- Finally, I hope I've done my job well enough and you enjoy this. This fanfic is slated to have 10 chapters. I already have 8 of them more or less written. I suspect it might go on for much longer but for now, rest assured I have content to publish and I *will* complete this fanfic. I won't just drop it.</p><p>So with all that said, I hope you have a grand time reading :)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Athrun boarded the plane with nothing more than a suitcase and a heart full of courage. He wore a monochromatic ensemble with black pants, a gray turtleneck, and a black chesterfield coat. The only hint of color amongst all the darkness was that of the Haumea pendant that rested against his chest. The weather agreed with Athrun’s choice of clothing today, for the artificially engineered skies of PLANT was cloudy and gloomy.</p><p>It would be the last day he gets to wear civilian clothing for a while. Not that it mattered. His black suitcase contained very few personal items anyway. Inside are his orders, some dress shirts, a couple spare of trousers, precisely two of his favorite books, and a handful of special photos he hopes to pin on the wall of whatever room he would be given. Apart from the measly number of items he carried with him today, he had given everything else away. And this gave Athrun’s heart room to hope and grow. He would be issued all the necessary items to survive upon his arrival—all that he needed to start a new life would be in Orb.</p><p>It was not like he would be forbidden to return to PLANT. But for some reason, Athrun felt wistful while looking outside the window as the rest of the plane prepared for takeoff. It was, in his mind, a proper farewell. For the next time he comes back, he promised he would be a changed man.</p><p>Well, good riddance, he thought. This place, what it stood for, had long infringed on his very being. Silenced underneath the politics and history of this very colony was his long-lost sense of self. Ironically, even his very name robbed him of any identity. The moment he was born, he would be a coordinator, Patrick Zala’s son, the perfect soldier, and the fiancé of Lacus Clyne. All that people knew Athrun by were things that someone else had determined for him. But from here on out, the man looking back at him through the windowpane of the aircraft would be someone else come hell or high water.</p><p>“This is the captain speaking. Flight number three-zero-eight alpha, bound for Yalafath Island, Orb, on track for early arrival. Weather upon landing is expected to be sunny with a high of twenty-five degrees Celsius, and a low of nineteen degrees Celsius in the later hours of the evening.” The pilot announced.</p><p>Athrun had zoned out but managed to catch some of the routine speech captains were expected to deliver. The plane was now wheeling its way to the runway. Flight attendants were abuzz, reminding passengers to put on their seatbelt, or to keep their carry-on bags stowed away properly, or to make sure their phones are put on airplane mode.</p><p>“Where’s the tablet? I want to play!” a young voice from the row behind Athrun eagerly demanded.</p><p>“Oh, dear please wait a while. I promise you’ll get to play. Buckle up now, come on. Make sure it’s tight,” a feminine voice replied, presumably the child’s mother.</p><p>Amidst the hubbub of a plane preparing to takeoff, Athrun found himself feeling an odd ominous emptiness swirling in his stomach. He had been reminded of his mother and the way she was always gentle towards him as a child. But even the tiny moments of happiness remain tainted now.</p><p>Athrun had perhaps boarded almost a thousand planes throughout his twenty-five years of life. Being the son of a senior politician meant that his father’s obligations bled onto him. Seldom were decisions made out of his own volition.</p><p>But he was a child then. And if that was something he could peacefully accept before, the same could not be said of him now. The shadow of his father extended beyond his childhood. It crept on even after Patrick Zala’s death. And it was the fact that his father still had a hold on Athrun even as a grown man that truly haunted him. A dead man, a ghost, had chipped away at his confidence. He felt like a boy pretending to be a man, and he was ashamed of himself. The first war came and went. The brief moment of peace did nothing to keep the second one from coming. And yet after all these years, it was still about his father. It was still his voice that commanded his every action no matter how much he hated it.</p><p>But the war is finally over now and Athrun is still Athrun.</p><p>Well, not if he could help it.</p><p>Athrun felt the force of the plane taking off push him back against his seat. Tucked inside the inner pocket of his coat sat his application papers. He inserted his right hand into his coat, fishing for the document, not to take it out, but to simply touch it. Athrun had done this several times in between leaving his house to this present moment. It was to reassure himself this was not a dream. After all that he had been through, he was desperate for the chance to hope again. The twenty-two-page application was right there, clipped together and folded in his coat’s inner pocket. It will all work out, Athrun repeated in his head. Things will fall into place. He reminded himself of these encouragements. And along with the plane climbing up the sky to pass the clouds and then PLANT’s gravity, Athrun felt the weight of his future slide down his throat.</p><p>The filled and signed application would initiate the five-year process of becoming a citizen of Orb. And this would be the first of many things that he will claim for himself, selfishly, unapologetically, if only to escape the curse of his past.</p><p>Everything he did up until that point was to untangle himself from the mess he made in the second war; to tie loose ends once and for all.</p><p>First, Athrun went back to PLANT to ensure that Meyrin would be reunited and returned to her family. The young lady had given her life for him, and it had been the catalyst for growth. After some months of having been stuck in Archangel with him and other Naturals, the red-haired girl had blossomed into a young woman. Shedding all of her childish fantasies, Meyrin had begun to look in earnest for a purpose in life. She returned to PLANT with a career within a philanthropic agency, putting her organizational and multi-tasking talents to work. He had never gotten quite as close to her apart from being her sole friend in an enemy ship. But Athrun felt inspired to see someone break out of their shell. He promised himself that he would do the same.</p><p>Second, and most importantly, he went back to PLANT to dissolve most of his family’s estate. It never really did sink in that he had effectively become an orphan and the head of the family all at once. Not until he pulled up to one of their old family homes that he realized the magnitude of his loneliness.</p><p>Athrun spent months negotiating the sale of his parent’s properties. He did not aim to keep a lot of the money. He only really needed a small portion of it to ensure that he would be able to start his life again. He kept one of their summer houses—his mother’s personal favorite—to hold all of the many heirloom paintings and valuables his mother liked collecting. He also wanted to keep employed the handful of servants who stayed loyal to his family as a way of saying thank you. There was enough pain going around, and the last thing he wanted was to bring the bad news of unemployment to these people. The bulk went to various investment plans. He wanted to ensure that profit would be earned and there would be a constant flow of donations to charitable causes, particularly those that funded orphanages and reconstruction projects throughout Earth. Using his father’s money to rebuild what he set out to destroy would be Athrun’s way of atoning for his father’s crimes. Nothing could ever bring back the lives lost. But this would at least pave the way for new ones.</p><p>Somewhere in his suitcase sat the keycard to the attic of the one mansion Athrun chose to keep. In that attic is where all of Athrun’s parents’ remaining tangible possessions would collect dust. The primary caretaker of the mansion, a man three times Athrun’s age who has served his father’s family long before he was born, gave him a set of keycards. Some opened the many rooms of the mansion. While the smallest few microchips opened certain safes and boxes. He was told that his father had something in store for him in one specific safe. But he had opted not to go anywhere near it for now.</p><p>What mattered most to him at this point is his journey back to <em>her</em>. Every mile that the plane traversed through space was a mile away from his old life and his old self, and a mile closer to the Athrun who would rule his life with his own will. The past could stay locked away; out of sight, out of mind.</p><p> </p><p>xxx xxx xxx</p><p> </p><p>“To live is the greater fight!” A voice echoed in his head. The images were blurry, like a photo not yet fully downloaded. Blocks of color. Smoke. Then there were faint sounds of a faraway battle like droplets of water echoing in an empty bathroom. Where was he, he wondered. He was floating, watching himself outside his body.“Stop running!”</p><p>A screen flashes bright on his face. It’s a monitor—something that was all too familiar. And then he was sweating in his cockpit, keying in the code to self-destruct. His mind was in a frenzy. Images, memories pulsating.</p><p>Junius Seven exploding.</p><p>Kira, Kira, Kira.</p><p>The island. That island.</p><p>
  <em>Her. </em>
</p><p>Blonde hair, amber eyes.</p><p>The pendant.</p><p>Red.</p><p>
  <em>I will protect you. </em>
</p><p>His father aiming a gun at him. His anger.</p><p>Blood.</p><p>The Genesis.</p><p>More blood.</p><p>Tears.</p><p>A darkness, a malice was brewing inside him. It felt like losing his breath though he hadn’t moved an inch. He was dying, he thought. He would die in an instant. Just a few more codes to input and he would soon lose his life. He hadn’t even considered all that he would lose, all that he would no longer see. He hadn’t given death a thought. Would it be pain? Or would it be nothingness?</p><p>Nicol, Rusty, his mother. His father too.</p><p>His fingers breeze through the many layers of security prompts but he was caught in a loop. The same scene replayed. The same letters. The same message on the screen. Pinging. Ringing.</p><p>“To live is the greater fight!” The voice cried again. Who? Where? He thought. The voice felt like home. It echoed and echoed, feedback blaring in his ears. But he couldn’t remember who it was or where he’d heard it before.</p><p>Smoke fills his surroundings. And he blacks out. Time didn’t exist. Ten minutes or maybe a year—he couldn’t tell. It was just darkness. And then there was the sun.</p><p>Summertime.</p><p>Orb and the sand.</p><p>Hands reach out from the haze to fix his collar. He was now in an Orb uniform.</p><p>The hands straightened his jacket. He tried to reach out to touch the mysterious figure, but he couldn’t move. The woman’s face is obscured, and he couldn’t see who it was. But he felt that he knew this person after all. The taste of her lips, the feeling of her in his arms. There was a dull ache that bore a hole in his gut.</p><p>“Alex Dino,” a voice said with a little laugh. “Are you sure you’d rather have an alias, Athrun? You know I’d find a way to let you stay here despite what the others might think.”</p><p>Her body.</p><p>“Athrun, come into the water! It feels great!”</p><p>The ring.</p><p>Her tears.</p><p>“So, you’re not coming back to Archangel? To Orb?”</p><p>The ceiling of the infirmary.</p><p>The ring still on her finger.</p><p>The ring suddenly gone.</p><p>“Stop running!”</p><p>There was so much anguish; so much loss. To what purpose? Why had he left at all? What was the point? Was it worth the price he paid? He was forgetting.</p><p>“Cagalli,” he cried.</p><p>Yes, that’s her name. Cagalli. He tried to grab onto her—her shoulders, her arms, anything at all. But his arms were immaterial. Just when her face began to appear with clarity, he was turning into a ghost.</p><p>Her back turned against him now.</p><p>She was walking away. Her shadow stretched and he called her again and again.</p><p>        </p><p>xxx xxx xxx</p><p> </p><p>Around him was commotion. The sudden imposition of reality was jarring. A baby was wailing a few rows ahead of him, people were rushing to grab their belongings from the overhead storage, the clicking of seatbelts unbuckling—it was all too loud. From a floating dream to the rumblings of a disembarking plane was disorienting.</p><p>A dream. It was just a dream, Athrun thought. He woke up feeling a glaze of sweat around his neck. He sat still for a few moments and then decided altogether that he would get up once everyone else had disembarked. He’d let the sea of people move around him first. He was unsure if his feet would be able to carry him even if he attempted to get up anyway. He couldn’t explain what it was he felt.</p><p>His phone informed him of the time. It seems that Athrun had landed in Orb early just as the captain of the plane had announced. He was expecting two officers to pick him up from the airport. But due to his early arrival, he would have an hour to spare. Deciding to arrive at the military base early anyway, Athrun makes a quick phone call to inform his presiding officers of his plan. Perhaps it was apprehension. He was eager to get back to her even more so now.</p><p>Being granted permission to drive to the base by himself, Athrun tried to look at the brighter side of the situation. The vehicle storage where he had left his old car was right beside Orb’s airport, conveniently. While this had not been planned, Athrun was pleased to be reunited with his car. There would be a lot of good things to look forward to now, he convinced himself. The day was already turning out better than he expected—an attempt at optimism.</p><p>He had a lot of memories with the vehicle. He had stowed it away at the storage facility with all intentions of coming back for it. He had not even thought that he would be dropping the car off to be away from it for as long as he had been. He was so full of conviction that day; that he would help end the war quickly. He had believed the dream Durandal sold him so cleverly. Athrun had allowed the man to get into his head and remind him of the weight of his father’s ideology. But the living is far scarier than the dead. And in the end, it was the living and breathing Durandal that had tainted him, rather than his dead, decaying father.</p><p>Reunited with his car, Athrun took a moment to collect his thoughts before stepping on the pedal. There was no use getting riled up over the past. He’d thought about it all way too many times. He knows the corners where his mind would push him against, and the many dead ends of logic that would make him wish he had died instead. He knew each and every single reason for his mistakes. He also knew they were but stupid excuses. At the end of all the time wasted on rumination, one fact remained constant: it is that the past had been written, and there was no way to rewrite it. This is life after all, Athrun thought. Life is messy, and never packaged in neat folds and boxes. Feelings contradict actions, and decisions betray intentions. Pain exists, as well as happiness—sometimes even at the same time. It has been such a long time since Athrun last dared to hope. But he also understood that his future remains unwritten. And if there is any chance of living a life he could be proud of, there would be no better time than to do it now.</p><p>But the dream he had was still singing in his head. A dissonant symphony of voices he hadn’t heard in a while.</p><p>It was the ominous kind.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Discordant</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Athrun drove his car through Orb’s roads. It was a two-hour drive to the base. He had just exited the main highway into the less populated rural roads. The skyscrapers were replaced by lush mountains on one side, and the vast blue ocean outlined by the white sandy beach on the other. Orb’s weather has always been great, and it notably encouraged Athrun. It is amazing how it had managed to suck all of the jetlag out of his system. The sun was still quite high in the sky but Athrun did not want to wear his shades even with his sunroof open. From here on out, Athrun wanted his world to be filled with color again. He let himself enjoy it if only to forget the bitter aftertaste that his dream left on his tongue. Perhaps it was just PLANT’s parting gift.</p><p>He wanted to whisper profanities, already feeling his eyebrows curl. But he stopped himself. Shaking his head, Athrun decided to direct all his attention to thinking of the positive only. He’s finally where he has dreamed of being. That’s a start. Long drives along the coast of Orb is the best—that too. There were so many reasons to be thankful, he convinced himself. Before long, a small smile form on Athrun’s lips. How many times has he driven down this road? There is just no way to count. The thought brought him joy. In every corner, at every turn, an image of Cagalli surfaces.</p><p>“At what age did you learn to drive?” Cagalli had asked him one uneventful day while they worked on her bulk of documents for the week. She was toying with her hair which had gotten slightly longer, fidgeting, looking evidently restless. It was a few months before Athrun had left.</p><p>“Hm?” Athrun looked up from scrutinizing a page of a cabinet proposal about marine life protection. “I was fifteen, I believe. My father had me go to a driving school.”</p><p>“Oh,” Cagalli frowned, realizing she had inadvertently brought up Athrun’s father. “I’m sorry.”</p><p>“Don’t you start apologizing,” Athrun smiled. “I’m okay. I’m not that fragile about my father anymore.”</p><p>In hindsight—a lie.</p><p>Cagalli looked at him with so much kindness Athrun wondered just how deeply Cagalli felt things. “Well, I’m sorry anyway.” She puts him to shame with the ease in which she makes room for others in her heart. She never tires. It’s one of the many reasons he fell for her.</p><p>Athrun tilted his head slightly to the side as he asked her back: “What about you? When did you learn how to drive?” His lips curved into a devilish smile. “If you even learned at all because the last time I let you behind the wheel, we almost died.”</p><p>Cagalli folded her arms together as she pouted. “Hey! I <em>do </em>know how to drive! Father taught me, mind you. He and I snuck out one time when I was twelve. And I drove one of the state cars. I just don’t get to drive much which is why I’m horrible at it!”</p><p>“Oh boy,” Athrun teased.</p><p>“I wish you were there. It was mayhem. My father was so nervous!” Cagalli exclaimed, laughing at the memory. “But someone had pissed him off that day, so he was feeling particularly in the mood for mischief.”</p><p>“Well, you definitely get that tendency of yours from him then,” Athrun replied, amused at the glimpses of young Cagalli that he was getting that afternoon. He stood up and made his way to her desk.</p><p>“I miss him. I wish you had more time to get to know him,” Cagalli said with a resigned look that seemed like it would fall apart at any second. Tensions were slowly but surely climbing back up again on Earth. The stress wore Cagalli out more than she ever let on, no doubt wishing her father dropped the impossible responsibility on her lap so soon. “He always acted so seriously, but he had his goofy moments. I remember those moments all the time.”</p><p>Athrun knelt before Cagalli and looked up at her with tenderness. He swept her fringe to the side and kissed her forehead for a few seconds.</p><p>“We could go for a drive now,” Athrun offered as his hand slid down Cagalli’s cheeks to her chin. “What do you say to that?”</p><p>“I’d love to,” was what she always replied.</p><p>He remembered the many late afternoons he would sneak out with Cagalli to the beach. Whenever Cagalli would hit a wall with paperwork or negotiations, he would take her out to clear her mind. Some days, when the tension would coil into tight impossible knots, Athrun would tell the distraught Cagalli that pressing the reset button would be more productive than relentlessly hammering on a jammed nail. So, the beach became their refuge. It allowed them the space to be young, wading on the beach, or building sandcastles. When they managed to claim more time to themselves, they would have a picnic too. Beach days came often, as there was no shortage of stress and impasse in politics, and Athrun knew just when Cagalli needed fresh air. At one point, they’ve even permanently stored several picnic blankets in his truck. Later on, they invested in a cooler as well, upon Cagalli’s insistence. She excitedly reasoned it would be useful to keep supplying a mini cooler in the trunk with cans of canned coffee and green teas.</p><p>On the days Cagalli would be in the mood for some quiet time away in the mountains, Athrun’s trunk also contained sleeping bags and emergency lights. They’d sleep with the sky spread out above them. Hidden in the forest and away from the bright lights of the city, they would be left to appreciate the stars as the ancients did. And in those moments, Athrun and Cagalli were just two tiny life forms, witnessing the miracle of nature. He remembered Cagalli’s eyes wide in excitement whenever she would gaze up at the sky. Her sincere eyes were always filled with appreciation for the world. She was his golden girl. She has no idea how beautiful she is, Athrun would always think to himself as he stared at her. Her soul is fierce, yet it never hardened. Then he would lean in to kiss her because he didn’t know what else to do with the loving feeling spilling out of him. They were freer in those days. Youth allowed them a love that didn’t need to be questioned.</p><p>But perhaps, his favorite memories with her took place inside this very car while he drove. He remembered how ferociously Cagalli’s hair would be swept by the wind as he sped. He remembered how the color of the sunlight glimmering across the sky matched her eyes. He remembered how the setting sun would paint the world in dramatic hues, and how Cagalli’s olive skin tone glowed even brighter against it. He remembered how much they bantered about every single thing as he drove. He also remembered the comforting silences they shared. He remembered how Cagalli liked to slip her shoes off and hug her legs in her seat when she wasn’t feeling great. And he remembered whenever she would disregard his cautious pleas and kneel up on the passenger seat whenever she was feeling a little more triumphant or mischievous than usual.</p><p>“Stop, sit down! Sit down and wear your seatbelt!” Athrun would beg with his brow furrowed like they always would be whenever she pulled stunts like that. But the worry melts away just as soon as it came about when he would glance to the passenger seat to find his princess smiling from ear to ear.</p><p>“Cagalli!” He would cry out, but he was already halfway through a chuckle. What a troublesome princess—<em>my </em>troublesome princess, he used to think to himself.</p><p>They would laugh in unison. It was almost like a song—a jubilant chorus—whenever they were together.</p><p>“What? I’m just enjoying the wind!” Cagalli would respond with her arms up as if she was riding a roller coaster instead of a car. “Kill joy!” she would tease.</p><p>He remembered her well, fondly, with warmth in his heart welling up every time his mind invokes even just a mere silhouette of her. But he often feared how she remembered him, or if she even remembers him at all. And if by some chance she does, Athrun wondered, does she remember him in the way he remembers her? With light and sweetness?</p><p>He frowned. Chance would be a fine thing.</p><p>He hadn’t left her much to go on after all—that he knew regrettably well.</p><p> </p><p>xxx xxx xxx</p><p> </p><p>“At ease,” a senior commander let him inside the military complex after inspecting his paperwork. “Good to have you back here, Commander Zala.”</p><p>Taken aback that the man spoke so warmly, Athrun looked away. He was flattered. “Oh, thank you. Though I’m afraid I don’t remember having met you previously.”</p><p>“We haven’t met but your exploits have somewhat turned into urban legend with the younger soldiers.” The man’s last name read Rauschenbach. “Don’t worry, it’s all good talk.”</p><p>Athrun felt even more anxious. “Well, I do hope so,” he responded.</p><p>“Come, this way,” Rauschenbach gestured for Athrun to follow. “You’ll have to use this exit for today.”</p><p>Athrun walked outside to the hangar after having changed uniforms. He was issued his schedule and had been briefed about his primary duties. Since he was already familiar with the base, the meeting had been quick. Apart from the two stationed officers who welcomed him back into Orb’s military, Athrun was surprised to observe how unpopulated the building was. When he inquired why this was the case, the more senior of the two officers informed him that there was a grounds inspection going on.</p><p>The arrival tasks were cleared unceremoniously and rather hurriedly. Athrun had been given leave for the day to give him time to put away his belongings and settle down in his government issued flat. On his way out of the courtyard and past the hangar adjacent to the building, he encounters a swarm of men entering.</p><p>And then his heart freezes.</p><p>In the middle of them walked Cagalli, busy pointing and asking her generals about the new units of aircraft parked in the hangar. Her bright blonde head stood in contrast to the dark uniforms of the men around her. He was surprised to see her wearing a long-sleeved, collared dress that reached her calves. It had intricate floral embroidery around her waist like a belt would. The dress itself was silky black. It had never been Cagalli’s color, he thought to himself. She is brightness and clear skies to him, yet she walked in the middle of the hangar like she had a dark cloud casting a shadow over her.</p><p>She wore heels of modest height, in black, to match her dress. Even more striking is that she is now keeping her straight golden hair longer than usual, already past her armpits. She even wore simple jewelry which glinted here and there when she moved. She never understood just how effortlessly stunning she truly is. And even in this delicate presentation, her strength and intensity still manage to shine through. Athrun caught himself breathing deeply. She looked beautiful as ever. Yet it felt as if Athrun was looking at an entirely different woman.</p><p>Athrun felt his stomach turn. He always knew they’d meet again but he had never thought of the specifics. It was unlike him to be so flustered. He had not planned for them to meet this way.</p><p>He swallowed hard. She’s getting closer.</p><p>The guilt, the yearning, the sorrow, the joy—emotions erupted inside him. A feeling of high that was accompanied by jarring strings churning in his gut. In all its twisted glory, Athrun had finally found himself back in Cagalli’s world.</p><p>Calm down; breathe. <em>Breathe</em>, he chanted in his head.</p><p>He knew and understood that people change. In fact, he himself has changed quite a lot, or so he hoped. It was something he would never take against anyone. And if there is one thing Athrun Zala is sure of, it is that his love for this woman can transcend anything. He understood that about himself now after all that time and tragedy had inflicted upon him. He couldn’t be without her anymore. But how would he let her know? How could he reach her now? His mind was drawing blanks.</p><p>His left hand tightened into a fist.</p><p><em>Breathe, </em>he repeated to himself.</p><p>Cagalli—her body, her voice, her face—stood but a mere few feet away from him now. Closer and closer yet she seemed even farther away from him now than she had ever been. In that moment, Athrun realized that all he has of her are fading memories, bound to be lost in time.</p><p>Her voice was getting louder. She’s within earshot now.</p><p>Dry throat, feet bolted to the ground. Athrun licked his chapped lips.</p><p>“The question is how would the auto-lock of this model operate in battle?” A tall man wearing round frame glasses asked. “In the event of emergency and say the pilot wanted to eject, wouldn’t this auto-lock prevent that?”</p><p>“The eject command bypasses the lock, sir.” A notably shorter man with a thick beard responded. “The lock would not be ultimate in that way.”</p><p>Cagalli catches a glimpse of Athrun standing off her company’s path as the discussion went on around her. Ever the dutiful soldier, he stood in attention. He was always good at pretending. That skill should help him now as his chest pounded against his rib cage.</p><p>But she noticed him. A blessing or a curse, Athrun couldn’t quite decide. Her gaze was frigid. Never had those eyes looked more sunken and tired. He was seeing her in new ways—ways that broke his heart.</p><p>“Well, why don’t we ask Commander Zala.” Cagalli gestures towards his direction with one arm, and raising her chin ever so slightly. “He’s a pilot himself, and is well versed in security.”</p><p>All gazes simultaneously shifted to Athrun’s trained face. He would never let the discomfort crawling under his skin escape, but cold sweat began to form on his palms. She had put him on the spot, and he knew she was playing with him. She was doing this on purpose. Cagalli’s cold eyes pierced his very being. Athrun stood there feeling the insidious chill that an extinguished fire in the middle of the night leaves behind. This was payback, he reckoned.</p><p>She is mocking him.</p><p>His jaw tightened.</p><p>There’s more where that came from, he could tell.</p><p>“Commander Zala?” Cagalli tilted her head slightly to the right, as if taunting him. She spoke his name like she was spitting out rotten food. Athrun can hear her voice in his head as clearly as if she was actually saying the words out loud.</p><p>
  <em>Go on Zala. Since you’re always getting ahead of yourself, speak up. </em>
</p><p>She didn’t say those words but the animosity in what she isn’t saying was palpable, biting in every way.</p><p>“I would not be qualified to speak on the matter, representative,” He simply replied. “But I do appreciate that you would consult me.”</p><p>It was the best he could do.</p><p>“You participated in both wars after all,” Cagalli quickly replied, almost as if she was eager to make it a point that he left her. He could just as well throw snide remark about how she had almost gotten married. But no, he is past holding that against her now.</p><p>Athrun looked at Cagalli, ever so faintly expressing his dismay as his eyebrows furrowed slightly. She used to be able to pick up on the smallest of movements on his face. He knew it was an expression she would catch. But would she care? He was scared to consider what the answer might be.</p><p> They haven’t even greeted each other yet after not seeing each other for a year, and they were already fighting. It was as if they hadn’t shared any beautiful memories of tenderness and warmth. It was as if none of those fond memories exist in her brain anymore. She had wiped it all clean, Athrun thought. They used to share their burdens, their joys. The realization was permeating his being right in that moment. And it made him sick to his stomach.</p><p>Athrun felt foolish. Theirs is a tainted love.</p><p>“You were a part of ZAFT in both wars as well. That counts for something, commander,” She emphasized.</p><p>Well, there it is. It finally came out. How long has she waited to utter those words, Athrun wondered. It must have felt glorious. And even though the words rolled out of her tongue so elegantly, they were loaded with ammunition. The repulsion arrested him. It seized him and held him atop the highest mountain for everyone to witness the consequences of his folly. How nonchalantly she can volley such charges at him. It they hurt more than anything. There is nothing more painful than the truth after all.</p><p>He could hear her rejection loud and clear. The pang in his chest sunk deeper. It felt like he had swallowed concrete and metal.</p><p>As if to signal that she need not hear a reply from him, Cagalli passed him with assured steps. Even that was an insult. Cagalli knew those words stung, and she did not expect him capable of any form of response, Athrun thought. He did abandon her. He had been selfish. And he scorned her when she needed his understanding more than anything. How could he possibly have anything more to say in his defense? There was no yelling foul play when he had done the same to her. No one would call this treatment unfair.</p><p>And he knows he deserves this.</p><p>He deserves even worse than this.</p><p>Followed by her posse of secretaries and bodyguards, Cagalli moved along and all Athrun could do was salute.</p><p>Where would he go from here, he wondered.</p><p>He watched her back get smaller just like he did when she disembarked from the Archangel. Back then he let her go, believing their dreams remained the same. Yet the dissonance rang as memories and reality clash. And all at once—the horror sets in. In all his worrying about how to find his way back to her, he failed to consider that she might not be waiting anymore.</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Chapter 02 Notes: </p><p>Thank you all so much for your lovely feedback for the first chapter! Please do let me know what you think of this chapter as well. I will be posting chapter 3, Trauma, in about 5 days or so. It's a longer chapter and focuses on Cagalli's perspective. </p><p>Thanks for being here. I can't tell you enough how much I appreciate the support. I know it's silly but writing and having a community to enjoy your favorite couple with is just so much fun!! I hope you're all enjoying this as much as I am.</p><p>See you in the next one! xo</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Trauma</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Kira put <em>him</em> up to it—it has to be Kira, Cagalli thought. Why else would <em>he</em> dare come back after everything she had done? Kira must’ve encouraged <em>him</em>, she decided, gritting her teeth.</p>
<p>She refused to conjure his name in her mind.</p>
<p>Languid and tired, she had dragged her feet up the grand staircase of the palace and back to her private quarters. Today had been excruciating. Had it always taken so much of her to socialize, she thought. It was hard enough to stay awake with barely three hours of sleep, let alone pretend to enjoy the company of relative strangers discussing tedious matters. It was the kind of affected existence that eroded the soul. Well, it’s not like there was a way out of it, she sighed. She had no choice.</p>
<p>Today’s event had been a dinner banquet to celebrate the new base that had been recently approved for construction. But that was of course preceded by the tour of the hangars and principal offices where that unfortunate reunion took place. And it would have all been antiseptic enough if he hadn’t been invited to come along to the dinner too. He sparked intrigue wherever he went after all. It was only natural for the upper echelon of her military to want to interview the ace pilot. The rest of the men in the room inquired eagerly about the coordinator’s thoughts on how to better Orb’s military complex.</p>
<p>Why did he have to be so good at everything?  </p>
<p>She wishes she hadn’t heard him talk but he was right there before her. It was impossible to avoid his voice, his visage, lingering in her periphery.</p>
<p>Begrudgingly, all she could do was stare at her plate or pretend to be in the most interesting conversation with the people sat directly beside her if only to save her from the possibility of locking eyes with him.</p>
<p>Now safe in her bed chamber, Cagalli still felt a creeping discomfort breathing down her neck. She gnashed her teeth together feeling the agitation boiling inside her once again. She felt like throwing a vase or a book or anything at all out of frustration. It wasn’t so much that they had met again that bothered her. It was that all the work she had done to erase the unpleasant memories associated with him have now gone to waste. Everything there was between them had been dug up in her head. He had caught her unawares.</p>
<p>She would say that the encounter opened up her wounds again but whether the wounds ever closed is evidently still up for debate.</p>
<p>His face flashes in her mind like after having looked at a bright light. That face of his, imprinted in her retinas—a maddening afterimage.</p>
<p>His face won’t go away. He haunted her soul.</p>
<p>She knew pretending that she doesn’t think about him anymore is futile. She still does, on accident mostly, but she never talks about it anymore. She had learned that the harder she tried to look away from her memories of him, the tougher it is to look past the flashbacks. It was all about not acknowledging it or bringing attention to it that helped keep her sane, if only to get by as each day passes.</p>
<p>After he had left for ZAFT during the second war, she used to think about him every day, every minute. Ripped open and stitched back together only to be ripped apart again: her days apart from him in a nutshell. And when she was reunited with her twin, he would encourage her to talk about it. Talking about it helps Cagalli, there’s no use bottling it in, Kira would say. Lacus too was always of the opinion that venting helped. They tried the best they could to care for her. But for all their wise counsel, all it ever did was make her cry—for failing her people, for failing as a leader, and for failing at the love she so miraculously found.</p>
<p>She knew it was all too good to be true—to be loved and to love as deeply as they did. To have known such feelings at a young age, to have found the one without having done any searching—that kind of luck must come at a price, surely. And she sure suffered the blow when the sandcastles they built, so grand and spectacular, were quickly swept away by the tide when it came.</p>
<p>A slight tug at her hair brought her back from her ruminations.</p>
<p>“I—I’m so sorry, ma’am,” a nervous voice said from behind her. Her maid had pulled some strands of her hair in the battle against her necklace’s clasp.</p>
<p>As her maid continued to struggle, she sighed. She never understood the need for maids and assistants just to get dressed and undressed. She never let anyone help or wait on her before the second war. Yet here she is now, crown on her head, acting as queenly as could be. If he were here, she wondered, what would he think. He probably despises her, she thought. She has changed beyond recognition and for good reason—it’s what is required of her as sovereign. Emotionless, ruthless, uncompromising; everything that she wasn’t before the second war.</p>
<p>She has changed masks so many times. There’s one she wears when a cabinet member needed to be threatened, another for when she has to look alluring at a social function. Then there’s one for when she has to be on a video call with her twin because she can’t seem to face even him without needing to hide behind a façade. But when the finery and titles are disarmed, what would be left, she thought. She doesn’t even know who she is anymore.</p>
<p>But it was what the world asked of her.</p>
<p>The day she removed his ring was the day she decided that there would no longer be any room in her heart for the naïve daydreams and whimsy of a little girl with rose colored glasses. There would be no way to achieve peace without hand wringing and mind games after all, or so she learned. And if she needed to, she would participate in the mudslinging. Little by little, hacking her gut with a dull knife, she became twisted too. Cagalli had been replaced by Representative Athha, the Queen of Orb.</p>
<p>She refuses to be a mere pawn again. Shame and guilt made a home inside her. It served as an anchor, keeping her tied to her duty.</p>
<p>So why is he still here? Why is he in her atmosphere again when he has nothing for him here? Why would he enlist in her military?</p>
<p>“Tsk,” Cagalli reacted at her thoughts. It got under her skin that he was back in Orb to play pretend again. Because that’s all it could be, she decided—a game of charades. No real feelings could be born out of her heart anymore. She has made sure of that.</p>
<p>“Ma’am, I am so sorry!” The poor maid must’ve thought Cagalli’s agitated behavior directed towards her.</p>
<p>“Just stop,” Cagalli harshly commanded, pausing just when she was about to curse. It would be unbecoming of her position. “Just let me.”</p>
<p>“Ma’am, I’m sorry,” the girl apologized profusely, no doubt feeling mortified. She did little to give the impression that it was all trivial and Cagalli’s irritation was in fact due to a completely different matter.</p>
<p>“It’s okay. Just get on with my dress,” Cagalli replied without any improvements on her tone. “Ah!” She exclaimed as the necklace finally came off.</p>
<p>She took it upon herself to remove her earrings, the pair of state rings she has taken to wearing, and her gloves just to speed things up. She did so rather aggressively, unconsciously lashing out at her maid. So much glitz and glamour all for show. That too exhausted her.</p>
<p>She catches a glimpse of her bare calloused hands as she tossed her gloves to the side.</p>
<p>Her empty ring finger stared right back at her.</p>
<p>The memories were threatening to flood her now. She felt her pulse spike. All of a sudden, she was underwater, drowning; her thoughts muffled and ringing in her ears.</p>
<p>Cagalli felt her maid unzip her black silk dress and she slips into her faux fur robe sighing out of enervation. Hurriedly, the maid tidied up the dressing room before bowing to leave. She immediately felt sorry for the girl. But she was too tired to care for more than a few seconds.</p>
<p>“Is there anything else I—”</p>
<p>“No, just get out.”</p>
<p>Her temper has been so quick to trigger these days, she thought. She has always known that about herself. Yet these days it had somehow gotten worse. One moment she’s completely fine. The next she’s yelling at staff or her private secretary. Then the guilt sets in and she feels like hiding away in her room.</p>
<p>Cagalli collapsed on her bed, feeling more spent than she ought to be. There was no reason she would be this tired, she thought. She looked at the phone on her bedside table. She wanted to call Kira and tell him what happened. Or perhaps, more accurately, interrogate him. She would ask Kira what he told him. Surely, he would not be so dumb as to still care for her unless Kira suggested as much. But no, she felt too tired for that too. All the talking meant nothing to her nowadays.</p>
<p>A knock.</p>
<p>She knew who it was already without having to look.</p>
<p>“I heard he’s back,” Shinn strode confidently through the antechamber and past the archway that led to her bedroom proper.</p>
<p>“Why hello to you too,” Cagalli sat up while scratching her eyebrow quite admittedly irritated at how his return has to be rubbed on her face.</p>
<p>Shinn was still in his uniform, but his jacket was no longer buttoned giving way for his undershirt to be exposed.</p>
<p>He knew what he was doing, Cagalli thought. Sometimes she swears Shinn still despises her and only keeps her company out of twisted affection or some sinister lust. Whatever the case may be, the important point was that his presence punished her.</p>
<p>He is her warning sign.</p>
<p>When he came to Orb wondering where to go next, she welcomed him. He displaced the daylight inside her with the darkness of night, just as she wanted—her poison of choice.</p>
<p>“I thought I would see how you’re doing.”</p>
<p>Shinn Asuka is charming for sure, she thought. But unkind. Inaccessible. There was a violence to his affection. In a way she could understand. Shinn had told her about Mayu, his anguish, his determination to no longer find himself under the mercy of anyone else. Perhaps its why they found each other in the way that they did after the war.</p>
<p>They made a miserable pair. But they were miserable together and perhaps that’s all that matters.</p>
<p>“I’m normal as can be,” Cagalli replied. She never explained the whole story to Shinn. She shared that she spent some years with Shinn’s former ZAFT commander, just never the details. She could never find the words anyway, and even if she did, Cagalli wouldn’t be able to bring herself to speak his memory into existence again. She preferred it buried in her consciousness, hidden away in the darkest corners of her soul. But Shinn didn’t need details to understand how deep the connection was and how Cagalli might feel having her former lover back in her atmosphere.</p>
<p>“Why are you here?” she asked.</p>
<p>“Never you mind,” he replied. “Don’t think. Just stay still,” Shinn said under his breath as he wore a cheeky smirk. He kissed her lightly biting her bottom lip before proceeding to undress her.</p>
<p>A welcome distraction.</p>
<p>Ginger; a palate cleanser. Anything at all to rid her of the thought of him like food stuck between her teeth.</p>
<p>His bare hands slipped up her back. He had her pinned down now.</p>
<p>Let the green light turn to red. Let the midnight blue lake dissipate into raven black.</p>
<p>He had his eyes closed as he erased the distance between their skin, so he couldn’t see that she had her eyes wide open as he tasted her.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>xxx xxx xxx</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It was probably almost midnight. Their encounters never lasted long; just enough to satiate the hunger. Instant gratification.</p>
<p>Shinn and Cagalli laid in the darkness of the room, still undressed, on both ends of her king-sized bed, as far as possible from each other.</p>
<p>It was the only kind of love she could accept nowadays—the unaffected kind. The twisted and violent; the irreverent.</p>
<p>It was all that she was capable of giving too. She once feared losing herself. Now she’s thankful for it—her armor made out of the broken pieces of her heart.</p>
<p>“Aren’t you tired?” he asked. “You were at that dinner tonight, weren’t you?”</p>
<p>“I’m alright.” A fib. “I got it over with, that’s all.”</p>
<p>He didn’t speak for a while, going along with her lie.</p>
<p>“Oh, that’s right Cagalli. I meant to tell you I’d just gotten word this evening. The sanctions bill had just passed. An outstanding majority too.”</p>
<p>He was smiling, the moonlight illuminating half of his face. As perverse as their arrangement might be, Shinn’s service to her nation is something that could never be tainted. And she was genuinely thankful. But why was it that she was so hesitant to let him know how she appreciated him for that?</p>
<p>Perhaps deep down she anticipated Shinn’s departure just like<em> he </em>left her. And she refused to be the one being left behind yet again. She couldn’t find it in her to believe anyone anymore.</p>
<p>Cagalli forced herself to smile at Shinn even just a bit. It was a victory indeed. But the joy came and went. Happiness was a hard feeling to hold onto these days.</p>
<p>She felt a familiar racing feeling in her chest. Cagalli’s head was immediately filled with the hypotheticals. She ran down the list of the few people who she expected to oppose her for this new piece of legislation. She made mental notes of what black mail or leverage she could use to secure that no retaliation or bad press would come of the event. Her image and her government’s reputation are everything. There is no room for celebration. In fact, it was even more imperative now than ever to ascertain that no one plotted a coup or opposition. Cagalli needed to mobilize her allies at once to ensure no conspiracies would arise.</p>
<p>Her hands began to stiffen, and it was getting harder to breathe.</p>
<p>In the middle of her catastrophizing, Shinn shook her shoulders. He had learned to sense when her anxiety surges, even though she refused to acknowledge something’s very wrong.</p>
<p>“Hello, your majesty?” He joked, no doubt trying to distract her. Strange, Cagalli would sometimes think, how someone who hated her guts could now be so amicable.</p>
<p>“Are you okay?”</p>
<p>“Yes, Shinn, thank you for your work,” Cagalli finally replied. She meant to return his playful tone, but her voice just came out flat.</p>
<p>“You should leave now,” she added. It wasn’t a command or an angry tirade. It was a mutual understanding between them. He never stayed with her through the night. She wouldn’t let her.</p>
<p>And so, like clockwork, Shinn got up to dress.</p>
<p>“Will you be alright?” He asked again. She could tell there were nights when he lingered, not wanting to leave her.</p>
<p>“Why wouldn’t I be?”</p>
<p>“Whatever you say,” he responded as he approached her. Shinn leaned in to kiss her, but he paused, changing his mind, and turned his back altogether instead.</p>
<p>“I’ll see you tomorrow,” he said with a lazy wave before closing the door behind him.</p>
<p>With Shinn gone, she was finally alone. She should be lonely, she thought. But there were days when everything felt like the dullest nothing.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>xxx xxx xxx</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The clock on her bedside table ticked away. It read quarter before one in the morning last time she checked.</p>
<p>She was now tucked in and ready for bed. But as usual, falling asleep too was an errand. A book waited on her desk. She was somewhere in the early pages of it. Tonight, she thought, she would read past the midpoint. But she thought that the other day too, and the day before that. The book must have been sitting there for about a month now.</p>
<p>She undid her ponytail as she rested her back against the headboard. And after she had done her hair up, still unsatisfied, she took it off and tied it back up again. She ran her fingers through her hair repeatedly, her nails scraping her scalp. She slipped her hair tie once, but on the second turn, the elastic snapped, her hair falling on her shoulders. For a few seconds, her arms stayed in place, raised up, as she stared at the hair tie that flew off to the end of her bed. Sat there frozen—it took a lot of her to react these days, she thought. If she wasn’t angry, she just felt empty.</p>
<p>Giving up on her hair, Cagalli grabbed her book and read the first paragraph of the chapter she was starting. But the screen of her phone lit up and one glance somehow turned into half an hour of swiping from one news article to the next. She looked at what was being said about her and Orb. Every day she found new methods of torture.</p>
<p>The neglected book sat on her lap uncomfortably until it finally slid off to the floor. Irritated, Cagalli bent down to attempt to pick it up. But with a sigh, she decided halfway not to. She doesn’t even remember what the book was about anymore or what the contents of the chapters she has read were about.</p>
<p>Everything felt like a dreadful chore.</p>
<p>Having given up on doing anything productive, she buried herself under the covers.</p>
<p>That night, after the lights were turned off, Cagalli stared at what little she could see of the ceiling. She turned to her right side, tucking one of her pillows between her legs. A few minutes later, she turned to her left. She tossed and turned but to no avail—sleep would not descend on her.</p>
<p>She had taken her sleeping pills already. She had grown accustomed to taking one extra pill than the recommended dosage just to forcibly get her body to shut down. And yet there were still nights when not even a pill formulated to induce slumber could get her brain to unplug.</p>
<p>The silence in the room, save for the occasional noise that her shifting body caused, felt like a bubble that would burst at any moment. She tried hard to not think about anything at all. But not having work to distract her, she knew it was a losing battle.</p>
<p>Her thoughts drifted to the events of the day. He had been at the meeting, looking his best in uniform as if he hadn’t just waltzed back into Orb earlier in the afternoon. Pristine, as always. She tried to push him away with her insults at the hangar. Yet he refused to back down, daring to accept the dinner invitation from his military superiors. He attended the dinner as if he wasn’t just dragged into it, speaking of ideals and dreams—words that have long dried out from her tongue. He wanted to be here. He truly had come back for her. She was starting to realize the severity of his commitment.</p>
<p>It scared her.</p>
<p>Up until that moment she would not let herself believe this was her reality again—him in Orb, wearing a uniform that bore her nation’s standard. The thought made her stomach turn. She resisted giving in to these thoughts of him by reminding herself he left her first. And yet was he not just there in the dining hall with her, trying to catch her eye?</p>
<p>She shook her head. He could not possibly still care. She repeated it, like a mantra, if only to hold on to her dear life. She refused to shed one more pitiful tear.</p>
<p>But there was no denying it.</p>
<p>He came back, she whispered it into the darkness enveloping her. It was the first time she had allowed herself the thought. The mere acknowledgement of it sent shivers down her tired spine. She moved again to lay flat on her back. She couldn’t see anything. Her eyes were as wide open as they could be. Yet somehow the nothingness seemed to grow. She could feel her eyes adjust to the darkness. It looked like a vortex. Closing her eyes would have allowed her to see better.</p>
<p>But then she said it again, this time, a little louder.</p>
<p>He came back.</p>
<p>Athrun came back.</p>
<p>She hadn’t called his name in what seemed like forever.</p>
<p>And then all at once that was all her brain could think off—he came back, he came back, he came back.</p>
<p>His name.</p>
<p>Athrun.</p>
<p>Him.</p>
<p>But there were tears in her eyes.</p>
<p>Of fear or happiness—she had long stopped knowing how to tell them apart.  </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>This chapter was really tough to write and edit. My brain is fried lol. I hope the quality of my writing isn't declining. Please let me know what you think. I'd greatly appreciate it.</p>
<p>I have this dark version of Cagalli post GSD who is traumatized by the hurt and cruelty of politics. And out of fear of disappointing her people again, she turns into a ruthless politician. Maybe not cruel, but definitely more cunning and manipulative than the idealistic GS Cagalli. For this fic, I wanted to explore what that would be like since I don't think I've seen a lot of this interpretation of Cagalli. And you know me, I love angst lol. But like I promised at the very beginning, this is an asucaga fanfic and I’m not here to torture you. The writers of GSD has tortured us enough haha. I just like a bit of dramatics. So I hope you’re still enjoying reading this despite it not being sunshine and rainbows.</p>
<p>Anyway, the next chapter will be out in 3 days. It's all written out. I just need to edit it. :)</p>
<p>Thank you all so much for the continued support. I really love hearing what your thoughts are so please feel free to drop a review! It goes a long way for writers and artists!</p>
<p>I hope you’re staying safe and healthy. See you in the next one xo</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Devotions</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>He had plopped his baggage on his new bed before stepping into the shower. Eager to shed the shame from the late afternoon encounter and the unexpected dinner meeting right after, he prioritized drenching himself in cold water. But it did little to drown his thoughts and the voices inside his head seemed to echo louder.</p><p>It must’ve taken him an hour to finally decide to get out of the shower. His wrinkled fingertips pulled on his eye bags as he inspected his face in the mirror. He’s only twenty-five. Yet he looked worn out. He was never the type to care much about vanity but he briefly considered driving to a drug store for under eye patches and maybe an anti-wrinkle cream. It must be the jet lag setting in.</p><p>Finally emerging from the bathroom now in his bathrobe, he dried his hair as he inspected his new home. It had all the essentials like a decent airport hotel room. It has a kitchen and dining combo, a small living room with a loveseat and a moderate sized TV. His bedroom came with a typical military issued twin sized bed and a bare desk. The sheets were iron flat without a wrinkle to be seen. The walls look freshly painted. White everywhere. It felt sterile.</p><p>With everything that had just taken place that day, Athrun felt like he had been locked away in a mental institution. And maybe that’s just what he needed. He felt like he was floating, struggling to find anything concrete to hold onto. It was insane of him to so brazenly make a comeback. He’d do well to put himself in a straitjacket, he thought.</p><p>He sat on his bed. Venturing on to unpack, a stack of photos slides off from in between articles of clothing. He had forgotten that he tucked them away in his suitcase. The photos were from his childhood bedroom, saved and kept throughout the years. It has been a while since he went through them.</p><p>Shuffling through the photos, Athrun’s anguish sobered into melancholy for times that have long since passed—irretrievable moments frozen in pictures. There were several from his time at the academy, several were of Kira and him at a robotics meet they participated in. At the very end of the pile, was a family photo. He was in between Lenore and Patrick. They were all smiles. He was probably only seven in the photo.</p><p>Looking at his father now made him wonder if he ever truly knew him. His father had always been distant, busy. Lenore would remind Athrun that his parents love him very much whenever she would have to take off for work. He believed his mother, though he also understood at a very young age that it was just something nice that parents tell their children.</p><p>The memory of watching Junius Seven fracture into a million pieces replayed in Athrun’s mind. He was on his way home from school that day. He had already relocated back to PLANTS. He missed his best friend Kira badly and the threat of war was pervasive. But up until that moment, it all seemed farfetched to his young mind. Naturals and Coordinators couldn’t possibly get into a war, he would reassure himself. Before long, he would go back to the moon and he would get to see Kira again. He truly believed that. Yet the giant screens that towered over the busy streets of his usual route back home announced it all at once—Junius Seven had just been obliterated by a nuclear attack perpetrated by Naturals. Athrun himself could not move for a moment as horror and commotion ensued around him. He felt it all at once—the rage, sadness, confusion, sorrow.</p><p>That was when it all changed for him. He understood that he would always be involved in the military in some form. His father was a high-ranking politician and that much would be expected of him as Patrick Zala’s son. But up until that moment, he had been keen on becoming an engineer or perhaps involved in developing robots. He had grand ideas and the thought of circuitry used to excite him like no other as a boy. But looking back, those dreams feel so naïve and faraway now.</p><p>The war had taken so much from him. His old life, his family.</p><p>The death of his mother might as well have been the death of his father, he thought. His parents had lived apart for most of his childhood. Patrick bound to PLANT by virtue of his responsibilities to the council, and Lenore’s job as a scientist for the agricultural department required travel and research. But every time they would be reunited as a family, it was clear to him, even as a child, that Patrick adored Lenore very much. His father never smiled as much as he did when Lenore was around. The Spartan and relentless austerity that Patrick had so perfected would melt away. And the kindness, that sometimes even Athrun doubted if it even existed in his father’s heart, would finally show. Patrick listened intently to each and every one of Lenore’s stories from work. Discreetly, he’d be first to get up in the morning to personally attend to the family’s breakfast, fresh flowers ready to greet Lenore in her home office. The love was shown in all the quiet moments, seldom was it ever grand. Yet it was the small moments that spoke loudest. Patrick was devoted to Lenore and he loved her more than he had ever loved anything else.</p><p>Lenore did not have a wake and a funeral. There was no body that could be returned to any of the victims’ families after all. Trying to put a brave face on, Patrick never shed a tear in front of Athrun. Nor was he even ever around for that to ever be a possibility. Patrick began to obsess with work, diving deeper and deeper into radicalization. He was featured on many news channels and he accepted all interview requests from various publications. Patrick gave impassioned rebuttals against anyone who dared disagree with his growing bigotry against Naturals. His anger swelled in debates against other more tolerant Coordinators. Patrick was everywhere but by Athrun’s side. The day Lenore died, he stopped having family, despite still having a living, breathing son who was hurting just as much as him.</p><p>The loneliness that Athrun felt then, he could never qualify into words even to this day. He’d come home to an empty estate. He always had dinner alone. He began to wonder why a dining room was necessary to have at all if he never ate with anyone. The next time his father was finally home and awake at the same time as him some odd weeks after Bloody Valentine, he commanded that Athrun enlist with ZAFT without as much as a goodbye. And from then on, it was all a blur. He barely remembered the many months that followed. He had been on autopilot. Perhaps he’d suppressed it in an attempt to continue living without spiraling into insanity. Perhaps he’s his father’s son after all, coping in the same way Patrick had been.</p><p>There is a method to madness, Athrun now realized.</p><p>The training gave him a reason to forget. Petty arguments with Yzak, the competition between the two of them, allowed respite from the impending doom of war. It’s what mother would want me to do, he thought as an attempt at justifying the reality of him becoming a human weapon. His mother had taught him to look past genetic differences. She was friends with many Naturals and never saw them as different from Coordinators. Lenore would have greatly opposed the war if she stayed alive to have a say.</p><p>Patrick’s descend to madness was not something that surprised Athrun. The great love Patrick had for Lenore all morphed into hate. Violent love, bitter hatred. Still, it hurt watching his father unravel. And when all seemed hopeless after his own father had shot him, it was Cagalli that restored his faith in all that was good.</p><p>Athrun’s thoughts drifted back to her. It’s something his brain has mastered. Always back to her—everything’s about Cagalli to him.</p><p>The war may have taken most of what he had, but it also gave him Cagalli—it gave him back his life all at once.</p><p>“It’s too soon to give up on your father! You may still have a chance to talk to him properly,” she encouraged with tears in her eyes. She had always been that way—understanding of another’s pain. She saw through him. And when he was destroying himself over not having stopped Patrick Zala, it was Cagalli who reminded him to be kind to himself.</p><p>Perhaps it’s not too late to rebuild his relationship with Cagalli after all. The meandering of his brain from loss after loss took a toll on his heart. He felt his chest constrict. But if there was one thing Cagalli taught him, it was to hold on to hope. And if he is to ever find a way back to her, he was going to have to first believe in himself.</p><p>Athrun slid into his boxers and a plain white V-neck shirt. Unpacking the rest of his things, hanging his trousers in the closet provided for him, Athrun slowly fell into a quiet rhythm. Little by little, instead of thinking of the many ways Cagalli might reject him, he began to consider how to address the many issues that have sprung from his departure. First, he decided he would ask for her forgiveness. Next, he would have to work on earning her trust again.</p><p>“There are things people can’t accept even if they do understand them!” He proudly declared in the heat of the moment. His love for her, rather his possession of her, had been violence. No man would ever want to see the woman he loved married off to another. But his words had been venomous. And when Cagalli had been beaten down by the world, he kicked her down some more.</p><p>Athrun’s thoughts were interrupted by his phone vibrating on his bedside table.</p><p>“Hey,” the message read. “It’s Asuka.”</p><p>Athrun was surprised. “Shinn, hello. How are you?”</p><p>“I’m good. I heard you’re back here.”</p><p>Here? Athrun didn’t know Shinn was back with Orb. Not to mention how he got ahold of the information that Athrun had arrived that same day.</p><p>“Since when did you join Orb?” Athrun typed but quickly deleted. Instead he sent: “How did you know?”</p><p>“Word goes around fast in the palace.”</p><p>Another puzzle. “You’re at the palace?”</p><p>“Yeah, I work here. I have been for some time now. So I suppose I’ll see you around.”</p><p>Well, that was a surprise, Athrun thought. Shinn said that he “works here,” which means he’s housed at the palace, Athrun thought. That’s reserved for the secretaries and the palace’s inner circle. Athrun felt silly analyzing Shinn’s texts like an obsessed teenager texting their crush. But he found himself intrigued.</p><p>“Yes, see you around. Thanks.”</p><p>“Yeah, I just wanted to say hi. Good night.”</p><p>“Good night,” Athrun ended the conversation. It was such a puzzling end to an emotionally taxing day that despite the jet lag, Athrun found it hard to fall asleep.</p><p>He recalled the glimpses of her from that evening; snippets of her smiling at everyone but him, her now longer hair swaying as she moved, the way she had tried hard to avoid acknowledging his presence all night. It was all so bittersweet—to finally be back where he wanted to be but to be without the reason he came back at all.</p><p>Is she sleeping soundly now? Or is she still working? Or is she staring at the ceiling much like him? He thought about her endlessly. The only way he could experience her these days was in his mind.</p><p>But tomorrow he would face her.</p><p>In the morning, he would try again.</p><p> </p><p>xxx xxx xxx</p><p> </p><p>“Commander Zala here to see you ma’am.”</p><p>Cagalli heard her assistant announce over the intercom. She felt sorry for Ophelia. God knows the wrangling Athrun must’ve subjected her poor assistant to for her to break Cagalli’s mandate to bar him entry at all costs. Cagalli knew he would seek her out after all.</p><p>“Ma’am, I’m sorry, he—”</p><p>“Just let him in and let’s just get it over with,” she dismissed.</p><p>After a few seconds, her door opens to reveal Athrun in his uniform. He walked in confidently, fully comfortable in her space. He used to work in the same space as her after all. It pissed her off how easily he could walk in and out of her life. She swallowed hard, hoping he doesn’t see through the facade she had worked hard to build.</p><p>She wanted to trust herself. Cagalli had steeled her heart after everything she had gone through. No one dares defy her now. No one wants to risk invoking her wrath. She’s stronger now, ruthless, unyielding to the manipulations of others. And so, she should be. For the sake of peace and the pursuit of happiness. Let the burden hollow her out. Let it eat away at who she used to be. No matter the price for peace, she would pay it, tenfold if need be.</p><p>But this is Athrun, the man who knows her inside out. The man who has seen every inch of her body, the man who captured her soul. This was always a meeting that was bound to happen, she knew that well. Now that it’s here, Cagalli found herself on unsteady ground.</p><p>“Yes?” She spoke first but she refused to look up at him. She tried to continue reading the documents before her. But suddenly, the printed words stopped making sense. The letters and words were not registering in her brain.</p><p>Athrun didn’t say anything for a few seconds, taking the time to take in the nostalgia. All the pleasant memories shared in this room might never be the same again, he thought. But there is still hope that they could create better ones, he reminded himself, summoning a little bit of faith.</p><p>“Cagalli,” he started, fully aware that he should probably address her by her title. He was in uniform and she was made up, dressed in her finery, as is expected of the monarch. He thought he might choke on his words. “I’m here to talk.”</p><p>“Evidently,” she snapped back at him. </p><p>Not a good start. “I came back to apologize,” he tried to ignore her anger, fully accepting that she had a right to be mad.</p><p>“You enlisted in the military just for that?” Cagalli tried to maintain a neutral tone but all her words were coming out of her tongue like poisoned darts now. She shuffled through the paperwork on her desk—her particular anxious tick. “You could’ve easily apologized without having to go through all that.”</p><p>“Cagalli, I enlisted because I want to be a part of Orb. Please don’t talk like that... as if I never cared,” Athrun too was losing patience as the conversation started to feel like a losing battle. “I’m trying to attain my residency here, and then my citizenship. I’m here because I want to be beside you. I want to stay.”</p><p>Cagalli paused trying to reset her mood. It’s futile to argue with someone who knew her like the back of his hand.</p><p>“Would you at least look at me?”</p><p>She ignored him.</p><p>The silence between them was deafening.</p><p>The two of them weren’t on the same page yet again, so it would seem. It’s a shame, she thought. So much feeling founded on shifting sands—so much beyond their control, so much they wish they could do but couldn’t.</p><p>She didn’t want to need him anymore. She has had enough feeling for a lifetime. All it ever caused was more pain.</p><p>“Listen, you don’t have to apologize for anything,” she began, for once softening if only to find a way to really get it through his head that she means what she was saying. “There was never anything for you to apologize for. I don’t understand why you insist on doing so.”</p><p>“I put you in an impossible position, Athrun. For that, I should be the one apologizing. I led you on when deep down I knew that I would have to marry for the sake of my people. I strung you along, really. And you’ve got every right to be angry at me,” she continued. Her voice rose as each word that slipped out of her mouth felt heavier and heavier.</p><p>He merely stared at her, not knowing what to say. She still refused to look him in the eye. He wanted to tell her he still loves her but she wasn’t done yet.</p><p>"So why aren’t you mad? Why are you still here? I don’t understand what else you want from me. You should be living your life out there. I don’t want you.”</p><p>She was standing up now. And by the looks of it, shocked by her own words. She was doing the right thing, but her brows were furrowed, fists balled against the desk. She had done it. She told him that she didn’t want him. That will have to do, she thought—the final nail in the coffin. She had turned her back on hope.</p><p>“So what are you still doing here?” She asked again as her voice tapered away into a whisper. She could feel herself on the verge of tears. But she knew better now. She had perfected the craft of never letting herself appear vulnerable.</p><p>Athrun looked down, deep in contemplation. He felt his face crumple in pain. It all made sense to him now. The anger wasn’t directed at him, despite her clear projection of it. The anger was inside her—poison she injects in her own veins. But understanding something doesn’t make it less horrifying.</p><p>“Is what I feel not reason enough to still be here before you?” He asked her back, but after hearing everything she had thrown at him, he was afraid of her answer. “Is it so hard to believe that after everything, I still care about you? Does it really mean so little to you?”</p><p>Cagalli looked at him finally. Her eyes were red as if she had not slept for over twenty-four hours. Tired and hollowed out—Athrun knew that look well. He had seen that look in the mirror way too many times looking back at him.</p><p>“It meant everything to me,” Cagalli sat back down as she sighed. “But I also I know what I did to you. I can’t hold on to what you’re giving me or else… I might lose myself again.”</p><p>He stood there, not knowing what to do. It hurt to hear her crucify herself. It hurt to think that he had made her believe that all was lost. His anger over Yuna and the many questionable political decisions that were made during the second war were offenses he took personally. There is no doubt that they all hurt. But perhaps the worst of the pain resided in how much self-hatred it bore in Cagalli. He felt like a fool for not realizing it sooner. Athrun so badly wanted to hold her in his arms and give her the hope he robbed from her at her greatest time of need. But she is so far away from him now. He feared he’d never reach her.</p><p>Cagalli, now resigned and exhausted, looked withdrawn. “I betrayed you. And I don’t want to betray you again,” she began. “If I had my way, Athrun, I would...”</p><p>She didn’t continue her sentence. She had uttered his name for the first time since he got back, and it left a bitter aftertaste in her mouth. It stung to hear her voice speak his name.</p><p>“You’re not the only reason why things fell apart. And you know that,” Athrun tried his best to keep his heart from unraveling. But the confrontation was searing through his strongest defenses. “I hate seeing you this way. I fucked up and refused to understand you then—”</p><p>“That doesn’t mean you understand me now. Nor I you.” She cut him off as she reached for the bottom drawer of her mahogany desk to retrieve a white box.</p><p>“Here,” she stood up and grabbed Athrun’s hand from across the desk. She placed the box on his palm. “I should’ve returned this to you a long time ago. I’m sorry I ever thought I had the right to still wear it after what I had done to you.”</p><p>Athrun clasped Cagalli’s hand, unwilling to let it go.</p><p>“Allow me to suffer for what I’d done, Athrun. Allow me that right,” she spoke, almost begging. “And let me do it in silence. Away from you. So maybe you could start to heal too.”</p><p>His hand tightened on her hand. “You’re breaking my heart,” he said as his eyes started to water. He looked into her eyes searching for any sign of reprieve. Any hint at all. But her eyes had lost its color.</p><p>“Please, I’ve yelled at you enough today,” she said, begging almost. “And I’m sorry. I’m sorry. That’s all I ever wanted to say. But as you can see, I’m not who you I used to be and I... I’m sorry for that too.”</p><p> She withdrew her hand from his grasp rather forcefully to sit back down on her office chair. Silence grew around them and it was suffocating. But before more time could pass, a knock releases them from the confrontation gone cold.</p><p>It was Shinn.</p><p>“Cagalli, time for the eleven AM meeting,” he announced as he made his way to her desk. “Oh, hello, um, Commander Zala,” Shinn spoke gingerly, perhaps unsure how to address him after their history back as soldiers in the Minerva.</p><p>“Shinn,” he acknowledged him, also rather unsure as to how to address him. Athrun could tell that Shinn projected a confidence that wasn’t there before. The young man had grown up, into what, Athrun couldn’t tell.</p><p>Shinn opened one drawer among the rows of file cabinets behind Cagalli. He retrieved a stack of paperwork before laying his hand on Cagalli’s shoulder.</p><p>Athrun picked up on even the smallest gestures. It was dizzying.</p><p>“I’ll go on ahead. See you there?” Shinn spoke to Cagalli with a sense of familiarity that disoriented Athrun among the already impossible task of reconciling what had just happened between him and Cagalli moments earlier.</p><p>“Yes, I won’t be late,” Cagalli replied as she looked up at Shinn with a small smile.</p><p>Shinn gave Athrun a strange look as he left the room. It was like the look of a territorial animal; vaguely threatening and wary at the same time. Cagalli stood up, smoothed her dress and then picked up the tablet sitting at the edge of her desk as she set out to follow Shinn.</p><p>“Well, I have to go now. I’m sorry this wasn’t the talk you wanted it to be.”</p><p>“No, I...” He was still at a loss for words.</p><p>“I’m sorry, Athrun. And I’m sorry this is the best I can do after everything I’ve done to you.”</p><p>She spoke with finality, not giving him a chance to respond. He wanted to tell her not to go, but Cagalli was already halfway out the door.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I hope you liked this chapter. The next two are asucaga filled so get ready!! I will more or less post chapter 5, weaknesses, sometime next week so the wait shouldn’t be that long.</p><p>This fic will feature a bit of Patrick x Lenore. It won’t be a lot but I’ve got something planned for later. I want to show how his parents' story will affect’s Athrun’s own development when he learns the "full story." I really like delving into Athrun’s background. I like to think about his family life, etc. I wish we could get more insight from him. They really should’ve given him a spin off with him as the narrator ahhh (There’s The Edge manga ofc but still!)</p><p>Anyway, thank you for your continued support! Let me know what you think of this chapter.<br/>Take care and I’ll see you in the next one! xo</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Weaknesses</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“You were there by the door, listening, weren’t you?” She asked pointedly. Her voice was ice cold.</p>
<p>They walked through the long winding halls of the palace. Shinn was right beside her, as always, even though she had instructed him multiple times before to fall back a few paces.</p>
<p>But he wasn’t in a good mood just then, and he was never the type to follow instructions anyway.</p>
<p>“So what if I was?”</p>
<p>“Don’t you dare do that again,” she retorted, unable to hide her irritation.</p>
<p>They stopped walking as they reached the staircase landing. Cagalli grasped the banister railing, feeling nauseated by the events of the morning. She tried her best to feign an undaunted attitude, but she could feel her knees ready to buckle under the pressure. It was all too much at once—her past, her present, her future all pressing against her.</p>
<p>She was about to turn away from Shinn, but his hand grabbed her arm before she could move, forcing her to face him.</p>
<p>“Why? Because I ought to know my place, is that it? I’m just your employee again all of a sudden?” Shinn leaned forward, ever aggressive and demanding. Their faces were so close together.</p>
<p>She didn’t reply.</p>
<p>He stared deeply in her eyes. What he was looking for, she had no clue.</p>
<p>“You still love him,” he declared, shaking his head slightly with a disgusted look on his face.” You are lying through your teeth it’s hilarious.” He was whispering loudly.</p>
<p>“What do you know of love? What do you know of anything?”</p>
<p>It was Shinn’s turn to stay silent. But his face said it all: disappointment, hurt, anger.</p>
<p>“What would you have me do, Shinn? Be with him again? Use him for the time being then break it off when I have to get married off to some prince or duke?”</p>
<p>His jaw tightened as he gnashed his teeth together. Their eyes were locked in place and the silence was so palpable you could hear a pin drop.</p>
<p>“Fuck,” Shinn sighed in exasperation, pulling away.</p>
<p>“Don’t you see? You’re too kind of a person to be this way,” he spoke. “You like to think you’ve changed but you’ll always have a kind heart. You can’t convince me that you’re not the least bit thankful that Zala’s back.”</p>
<p>Her blood was boiling now as she let the words tumble out of her mouth: “No, Shinn. I’m actually angry to find him here. I hate him. It’s annoying that—”</p>
<p>“You’re such a shit liar!” He cut her off. “You were kind to me when I came back to Orb after everything I’ve done against you and your country. You forgave me… and you don’t even love me.”  Shinn’s voice got lower towards the end; bitterness painted all over his face.</p>
<p>He didn’t mean to let that last part slip.</p>
<p>“I don’t love him anymore.”</p>
<p>“Give it a fucking break, will you?”</p>
<p>“I don’t understand why you think it’s your business to—”</p>
<p>“It fucking is Cagalli! Because when you lie to yourself, you’re hurting the people around you too!”</p>
<p>Their yelling had ricocheted against the walls. But then a silence befell their embittered faces; fire burned through dried grass quickly after all. And they were both too spent to pursue the argument further.</p>
<p>“You could at least be friendly towards him. He came back to serve this country you love so much,” Shinn continued as he began going up the stairs ahead of her with a newly sobered tone</p>
<p>“Just stop lying so much… it’ll make my life easier too…”</p>
<p>She looked up at him as she followed him up the staircase, realizing a quiet kindness in the raven-haired man that had been right in front of her the whole time.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>xxx xxx xxx</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You’ve had a chance to talk, I assume?”</p>
<p>The curiosity poured out of Athrun’s laptop speakers. He was fixing breakfast for himself while chatting with his best friend. Kira called him first thing in the morning, familiar with Athrun’s early bird tendencies.</p>
<p>Kira hadn’t even changed out of his pjs, Athrun noted. But he appreciated that after all these years, Kira still had his back.</p>
<p>Spreading butter on his whole grain toast, Athrun sighed. He knew Kira would ask, of course. But the results of Athrun’s meeting with Cagalli were so poor, he felt like the harbinger of bad news.</p>
<p>“Yes,” Athrun confirmed. But beyond that, he had no idea where to begin. Kira had always been supportive of him, especially when it came to his relationship with Cagalli.</p>
<p>“Hmm,” Kira began. “I’m sensing it didn’t go well.”</p>
<p>“Yes. And that would be putting it mildly,” Athrun sighed, turning around from the counter with a plate of strawberry jam and butter toast. He sat in front of his laptop avoiding eye contact with Kira on the screen.</p>
<p>“Give it time, Athrun,” Kira advised with an understanding smile.</p>
<p> “She… she has changed in many ways,” Athrun replied. He was sat there with his breakfast, but his mind was miles away. “Yet completely the same in many ways too.”</p>
<p>“I know what you mean. I barely get to talk to her these days. She’s shut the world out. I get really worried. I was hoping you could figure out a way to get to her.”</p>
<p>Athrun looked at Kira, surprised to hear that Cagalli had also shunned her twin. “It’s my fault. I don’t think she’d let me catch up with her if she could help it.”</p>
<p>“Athrun, you both hurt each other. But I don’t think that’s all,” Kira spoke, sounding glum it made Athrun’s stomach curl out of fear for what Kira might reveal.</p>
<p>“What do you mean?”</p>
<p>“I just don’t think she’s well. Mentally, I mean. I can’t get her to open up. It’s the same rehearsed small talk I get from her like she was talking to a diplomat instead of her own brother,” Kira explained. “I don’t think it’s just about your breakup.”</p>
<p>Athrun contemplated what Kira had just shared with him. Soldiers like him go through rigorous mental health assessments and conditioning. Back after the first war, Kira had shared with him over a couple of drinks how accidentally becoming a pilot wrecked his spirit.</p>
<p>Cagalli was brought up as a princess. It was always written in her future that she would ascend to power. But politicians and monarchs do not get mental health training. They aren’t honed like soldiers. They are simply born into a life they never had a say on, thrusted to do things without regard for their personal choice; a suppression of humanity. Monarchs are icons, leaders. But barely anyone tries to regard them as human. Heavy is the head that wears the crown. In Cagalli’s case, the weight must’ve been devastating.</p>
<p>“I know you love her,” Kira added. “But you have to understand that she might not be ready for you right now.”</p>
<p>Athrun remained silent.</p>
<p>“She might not be ready at all. Ever,” Athrun finally replied, ever the cynical type. But as soon as the words left his mouth, he wished he could unspeak them for fear that his words would become a self-fulfilling prophecy.</p>
<p>“You have to be willing to accept that hurt, if it happens, Athrun,” was Kira’s sorrowful warning. He wished there was something more he could do for them. He knows that his twin and his best friend love each other. But with the way things are now, he too is afraid for what awaits the couple.</p>
<p>Athrun let the words burn down his throat like strong liquor. He always believed that Cagalli was headed in the same direction as him. And while he let her walk away last time, he wasn’t sure that he’d be able to take another parting, this time, for good.</p>
<p>And when the thought sunk in, Athrun didn’t know what to do with himself anymore.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>xxx xxx xxx</p>
<p> </p>
<p>A couple of weeks had passed since his talk with Cagalli. Athrun had been hard at work, training squads assigned under him. From first aid to chemical warfare protocols, Athrun delivered class after class in front of his subordinates. If he wasn’t in a room for a training, he would be outside conducting field exercises and recalibrating mobile suits. This way he barely had the chance to feel all that he was brewing inside him.</p>
<p>On autopilot again, he thought on the occasion that he would catch himself. He was back to his old tricks.</p>
<p>But at night, the loneliness was inescapable. Sometimes he drove around just to kill time. There was no saving himself from the pain. He thought of her. Before going to bed, while eating a meal, when it rained—he always thought of her. But he could not go to her. He knew he shouldn’t go to her, at least not while he too felt unsure of how to move forward. How is it that she is further away now that he’s in Orb than when he was in PLANT, he wondered.</p>
<p>He understood now how she must have felt when he turned his back on her. The sunset beckoned the end as hurtful words were exchanged between him and the woman he promised to protect. This was Cagalli, turning her back on him and there was nothing he could do, just like there was nothing she could do when he left her. He hadn’t let her. Now she locked her doors and he had no one else to blame but himself.</p>
<p>For days, the box she handed him stayed hidden away in the drawer of his bedside table. In his fury after the unfortunate encounter, Athrun had a mind to toss it away. He didn’t have to open the box to know what’s inside. After a few days of trying to ignore it, Athrun gave in after a short stint at a local bar.</p>
<p>That night, he stumbed back to his apartment, goning straight to his bedroom to open the box. He had not turned on any lights as he slowly undressed, tossing articles of clothing here and there. It was unlike him to get drunk, unlike him to be so clumsy, unlike him to seek numbness over clarity.</p>
<p>When he removed the cover of the box, the ring greeted him with a mocking shine. The full moon as spotlight, the ruby scintillating at the center with the trail of diamonds that lined the curves of the ring. He had it specially made for her. The comical ways in which he tried to secretly measure Cagalli’s ring size, the subtle ways in which he tried to steer the conversation so Cagalli would talk about what kind of ring she might like—silly memories—resurface in his mind.  </p>
<p>Perhaps he’d hit a wall. Or maybe he’s finally done deluding himself with gallant and childish notions that he’d win his great love back. Maybe it had been a gross misapprehension from his part. He was always convinced that Cagalli still loved him; that while she may be cross with him, the anger and frustration was born out of affection. Afterall, he experienced the same feelings. He was furious at her for making horrendous decisions. He hated how shrunken she had been during the second war. But Athrun knew that at the core of his vexations, it was love that remained constant—that he wouldn’t be as affected if he didn’t have faith in her. He always thought Cagalli was going through the same. But as he looked at the ring that had finally been returned to him after two years, he wasn’t so confident anymore.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>xxx xxx xxx</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Ma’am.”</p>
<p>Cagalli’s private secretary entered the room, bowing from the neck before immediately handing her a copy of the minutes of the last cabinet meeting. “The Duke of Earlham is asking for an audience with you tomorrow night. What shall I reply?”</p>
<p>Cagalli looked up unable to mask the look of exhaustion on her face. The Duke of Earlham had been insisting on a meeting for what seemed like a whole year now. The man was close to her age and owned considerable assets. She need not ask to understand what the purpose of the meeting would be. And it is precisely because of that that she consistently refused to meet him.</p>
<p>“George, please don’t ever ask me that again. The answer has always been no,” she replied.</p>
<p>Her secretary awkwardly acknowledged her response as he proceeded to lay a folder on her desk. “And uh, ma’am, here are profiles of the dignitaries attending the ball next month for your—”</p>
<p>“For my hand in marriage, yes, alright.”</p>
<p>She was growing impatient. Cagalli bemoaned the situation.</p>
<p>“Leave us,” Shinn speaks from behind George as he entered the room with confident strides. The poor secretary hastily exited; no doubt thankful to have been spared of Cagalli’s impending rage.</p>
<p>“Hey,” he said as he lounged on the couch across her desk.</p>
<p>Her reply was a raised eyebrow.</p>
<p>How casually he greeted her. Shinn had made himself scarce after the confrontation with Cagalli a few weeks prior, but he acted like nothing happened at all. That too was a kindness he doled out to her, she thought.</p>
<p>“You should take it easy on George,” he began as he started reading some of Cagalli’s paperwork. “Everyone’s just trying to do their job.”</p>
<p>“And you’re doing yours by what, telling me what to do and what not to?”</p>
<p>“No, I’m trying to be a friend.”</p>
<p>That caught her off guard and it took a few seconds to think of what to say next. It’s a losing battle to argue with Shinn, she decided with a sigh. After their argument, she had given Shinn a lot of thought—his unspoken devotion to her, their entanglements.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry,” escaped her lips in a rare moment of unguarded honesty. Shinn had told her to be honest, she thought. That would be a starting point.</p>
<p>“What has gotten you pissed off now?” he teased, unable to control a relieved smile from forming on his lips. The space seems to have done its job and a weight had been lifted. He thanked the heavens for it.</p>
<p>“The ball next month. That dumb faced Duke of Earlham,” she leaned back, allowing herself a moment to take a break. “It’s as if I cannot possibly continue to exist until I marry. I feel like an object that needs to be bought and used and displayed… or else I’m useless.”</p>
<p>Shinn contemplated her words, feeling her pain but not quite sure how to console her. He is, after all, a man.</p>
<p>“Have you talked with him yet?”</p>
<p>She need not ask who Shinn was referring to.</p>
<p>“No.”</p>
<p>“Why haven’t you?”</p>
<p>“What does that have to do with the ball and everything else we were just talking about?”</p>
<p>“Because everyone in this damn palace knows that if you’re going to ever marry someone, it’s him.”</p>
<p>She looked at Shinn’s rust colored eyes. He was only trying to help. He was only trying to get her back to a path she could be proud of. But she feared she had made a mess of things again. Her relationship with Shinn was never meant to go beyond physical yet it has been made clear to her by their recent conversations that Shinn had formed an attachment that is too close for comfort. She knew where her lines were drawn in the sand, but had she perhaps led him on after all. And could she really bear the loss of another friend? It wasn’t like she hadn’t formed some attachment to Shinn as well, that much she understood.</p>
<p>Cagalli felt so lost in the wreckage of everything she was breaking, her own heart included. And it seemed like the only defenses she had left were the lies she told herself.</p>
<p>“Again with that! Shinn, Jesus Christ! I—”</p>
<p>“I know you keep tabs on what he’s up to at the base. I got your secretary to admit it. Go on and deny you still care about him. Try me.”</p>
<p>“I… I just…” she stuttered, unsure how to respond after getting blatantly exposed.</p>
<p>“Just let him come to you. Talk with him. I think it’ll help you,” Shinn said as he buried his face back into the paperwork before him. Because I don’t think what I can give you is enough, Shinn thought but dared not to speak out loud.</p>
<p>He was watching something slip away from his grasp—her, what little she shared with him. He had unknowingly given more than he thought he was capable, that much was becoming clear.</p>
<p>But she had never been his.</p>
<p>And when it felt like everything was beginning to fall apart, all he could do was grit his teeth.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>xxx xxx xxx</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Every step, every portrait hung along the hallways of the palace, every crystal that dangled from the chandeliers, the very sound of his shoes shuffling on the lush carpet—all of it had been ingrained on Athrun’s consciousness.</p>
<p>It was good to be back.</p>
<p>At the end of a long hallway, the familiar right turn through a marble archway would be where matters would be decided: salvation or damnation. Athrun knocked on the grand door. He was early. Not just by five minutes. He had been in fact sitting in his car for well over two hours, trying to figure out what he would say to Cagalli.</p>
<p>That day, Athrun woke up at six on the dot as he always did, unsuspecting of what he would later find in his email inbox. He almost dropped his mug of coffee when he laid eyes on it. Marked as urgent, it was from Cagalli’s office, with an official letter head, written by her executive secretary. Her Royal Highness requires you to pay her a call at her private quarters at eight in the evening today, it read.</p>
<p>And here he was, after a long day of anticipation. He stood in front of her door.</p>
<p>“Cagalli, it’s me,” Athrun announced when the intercom’s light turned green, indicating for him to speak. He was nervous.</p>
<p>“Come in,” filters out of the speakers. It was Cagalli’s confident voice.</p>
<p>Athrun helped himself through the heavy wooden doors. Upon entrance, he is welcomed by the enormous living room, resplendent in crystals and gold detailing. The same couches and chaise lounge of cream and gold was just as they were when he had left. But the bookshelves, Athrun noted, have been repainted. And instead of the painting of Queen Helena the Fourth, a painting of Uzumi Nara Athha in full regalia hung directly across the grand doors. In front of it was a console table with a vase of chrysanthemums and about a dozen picture frames.</p>
<p>Cagalli had once given him a tour of all the pictures in her room. For a moment, it seemed as if he would drown in nostalgia. Athrun walked towards his favorite one: the one with a six-year-old Cagalli in pigtails and pink lacey sundress atop a brown horse. She was grinning from ear to ear, triumphant and mischievous at the same time.</p>
<p>“Athrun,” he heard her heels walking towards him, breaking him out of his reverie. When he turned to see her, she had a small smile on her face. How he missed that, he thought. He stared at her as if time had been suspended and they were floating.</p>
<p>She stood there looking every bit regal. Her posture was stately, such a far cry from her former tomboyish and carefree nature. She wore a white blouse with pearl buttons and lace detailing tucked in a burgundy circle skirt that reached her calves. Plain jewelry twinkled around her slender neck and ears. Athrun felt himself gasping for air as his chest pounded away.</p>
<p>“Cagalli…”</p>
<p>Athrun was genuinely unsure whether or not he should salute. She had never once required him to show deference. In fact, she forbade him, much to chagrin of staff and other high officials who never failed to make sure their raised eyebrows were in full display for Athrun to notice. But now that their relationship is in shambles, he wasn’t sure if the same allowances applied.</p>
<p>She stared back at him for a moment. He could see that her amber eyes very much mirrored the same anxieties. But in an instant, something shifts, as if all her vulnerabilities sink back inside the very depths of her, and the clarity in her eyes freezes into opacity again, determined not to give too much away.</p>
<p>“Thank you for coming, I know it’s short notice,” she conversed with him as if all they shared was a relationship of a professional nature, Athrun thought. She gestured for him to have a seat.</p>
<p>“No, it’s no trouble at all,” Athrun replied, still enchanted by Cagalli’s presence that he has craved for so long. Cagalli sat on the adjacent armchair, while Athrun sat on the couch. She remained composed, back bolted upright instead of leaning back. It was such a foreign sight to have her heart turned against him and her formal public mask facing him in its stead.</p>
<p>“I called you here tonight to apologize for my behavior last time we met.”</p>
<p>The formality was biting.</p>
<p>“Some tea,” Cagalli offered as she reached forward to pour the tea herself from the fine porcelain teapot set before them on the coffee table.</p>
<p>Athrun reached for the teapot at the same time as her, their hands accidentally touching for a brief moment before Cagalli recoiled.</p>
<p>“Let me,” Athrun smiled cautiously, wary not to rock the already fragile ground they were both on.</p>
<p>He handed Cagalli her cup of tea and they both had a sip together. It was orange tea, Athrun noted. His favorite. He remembered how she had teased him for liking citrus tea. She pegged him more of a black tea kind of man, she had told him, with her eyes wide with amusement.</p>
<p>He appreciated the quiet gesture; that she remembered. And while she may not acknowledge that out loud, she had made it a point to let him know.</p>
<p>“Thank you, Athrun,” she said, looking at him directly. “For your service. For coming back here to be a part of Orb. I know this isn’t where you were born or raised. Yet here you are doing all of this for my people. And I <em>am </em>thankful for that no matter our history.”</p>
<p>Athrun looked at Cagalli, for once forgetting everything that had gone on between them. “There’s no need to thank me. The choice wasn’t a hardship. I want to be here,” he replied and then proceeded to add quietly: “I want to be here for you.”</p>
<p>Cagalli set her teacup down on the coffee table to stand up and put some distance between her and Athrun. It was all getting too much to handle again. When Athrun starts talking like that, she is rendered vulnerable all at once and she wasn’t sure if that’s a feeling she could afford again. She was trying to be honest with herself just as Shinn had told her to do. But there is a tug-of-war inside her, and it was always easier to fall back into old habits. Just when Cagalli felt like her head would split in two, Athrun reached to grab her wrist.</p>
<p>His skin was cold to the touch, she thought.</p>
<p>“Athrun,”</p>
<p>“Cagalli, I’m sorry for leaving you, for having blamed you, for not truly understanding… for everything.” His eyes were like a starving dog’s, looking up, begging.</p>
<p>He pulled her towards him so she would sit back down next to him. And she gives in, for the first time. It was funny how in a split second, all her overthinking dissipated and there was only feeling left to go on.</p>
<p>“I told you,” she began her eyes wistful. “I’m the one who needs to apologize. I’ve hurt you. I would be married to another man now if Kira never intervened, all without telling you.”</p>
<p>“We’ve both hurt each other.”</p>
<p>“Yes but,” Cagalli sighed as a bitter smile formed on her lips. “But I should’ve known better than to string you along, fully knowing what future awaits people in my position.”</p>
<p>She laid a hesitant hand on top of his. Their knees were turned to each other, almost touching. How easily they fall into each other just like that.</p>
<p>She couldn’t bring herself to tell him about how intense the marriage talks had gotten now that the war had been concluded. For now, all that mattered was the moment they shared.</p>
<p>Athrun returned the same smile—regretful, melancholy, over the way their lives have unfolded. He looked down at their hands intertwined together.</p>
<p>“I was weak, you know,” she continued. Though her face was dry, and her disposition remained calm, there were tears in her words. “I was weak to think that with you gone I wouldn’t be able to make it at all.”</p>
<p>Athrun was taken aback by the confession. Cagalli has her own mind and she shone like no one ever did in Athrun’s eyes. But she never once held him back. She never claimed him for herself. And to hear that she once thought of him in that way broke his heart in ways it hadn’t before.</p>
<p>“It’s such a cruel and insidious thing, isn’t it? Loving someone,” she went on. “I’ve brought you so much pain and I’ve been hurting for as long as I can remember. But we’re not kids anymore, you and I. We should know better now.”</p>
<p>She stood up breaking free from Athrun and walked towards the room’s tall windows. The sun was just about setting. Orb’s long days meant that the sun would bleed onto the sky for what seemed like an eternity. The light of the dying sun illuminated her already golden eyes to an incredible intensity Athrun had not seen in a while. She had fire in her eyes, she always has.</p>
<p>“I wouldn’t have left if you had stopped me,” was Athrun’s feeble attempt at trying to hold on to Cagalli. He just couldn’t let himself lose her this time too.</p>
<p>“You know very well that’s not true. And whatever the case may be, I still wouldn’t have done it. I could never take that away from you—who you are, where you think you ought to be.”</p>
<p>Athrun got up. He wasn’t quite sure what would happen, but his legs brought him to where Cagalli stood. They faced each other. He extended his hand to touch her cheek. He yearned to kiss her. His body ached with longing. And if he dared let hope surge within him, he ventured on to believe that she wanted their lips to touch too.</p>
<p>Yet at the very last moment, just before he erased the distance between them, she turned her face away from his hand.</p>
<p>“I’m afraid I must go now,” she said as she began walking for the door. Athrun followed her, feeling as if he had been left suspended in air. “I appreciate that you’ve made time for me today.”</p>
<p>“Of course. Anytime. Anything for you.”</p>
<p>Is that it, Athrun thought. Is this the end of the line for them after all?</p>
<p>“Do you accept my apology?” Cagalli asked.</p>
<p>“Do you accept mine?” Athrun returned the question.</p>
<p>Cagalli nodded as she smiled. A genuine one. Not the practiced one she had taken to wearing all the time. “We’ll say no more of it then.”</p>
<p>“Can I see you again?” Athrun asked, passing through the doorway. He was pushing it.</p>
<p>He could see conflict in Cagalli’s eyes. But then she replied, quickly, as if terrified of hearing her own answer: “Alright.”</p>
<p>With one last smile, Cagalli slowly shut the door. He dared not take his eyes away from her, frame by frame, memorizing the night in his head.</p>
<p>He looked at the now closed door before him. He pressed a palm against the door, wishing he was on the other side of it.</p>
<p>“I’ve missed you,” he thought out loud.</p>
<p>But Cagalli lingered by the door too, unable to break apart from Athrun. She too had rested a palm on her door wanting to reach out but refusing to let herself open the door again.</p>
<p>She heard him loud and clear.</p>
<p>“I’ve missed you too,” she replied softly just before she turned her back to retreat inside her room.</p>
<p>So much yearning gone unspoken, cold at the back of their throats. There were wishes that could not be verbalized. Wishes like <em>I wish I could hold you </em>or <em>I wish things were different. </em></p>
<p>But there stood a door between them and a world of hurt.</p>
<p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hello, hello! Thanks for reading chapter five! How did you like it? I will most likely post the next one sometime during the weekend. It has a major asucaga scene so I’m super excited for you to read it!</p>
<p>Thank you to all your reviews as always and for joining me on this journey. We’re more or less in the middle of the story and things are about to get more intense!! </p>
<p>I’ll see you in the next one! Till then, please take care and have a great week ahead xo</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Skin</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The streets leading to the palace that late summer day were teeming with security; men and women clad in black, fussing about. There is going to be a grand ball that night. It was all the tabloids and online publications could talk about for weeks on end. Events like this has always been a chance for Orb to display its riches and power after all. But this particular evening invited more gossip and excitement as it was a ball focusing on the world’s most sought after bachelorette. There will be dancing and fine dining and mingling with other monarchs from the Americas to Scandinavia to Eurasia. This was all in the hopes of soon having a royal engagement announced and then a royal wedding. The masses were ravenous for news like that.</p><p>Cagalli watched the crowd part as her entourage of black tinted cars drive past. She had her chin resting on her palm, mulling over what small talk she should use at the ball. So much work, so much mindless talk awaiting her, she thought. Her brows furrow in agitation. The thought alone was enough to curse her with a bad mood for days. But it was her duty. She’d have to wave and smile even if it killed her. And somedays, even the thought of dying appeared more tempting than she cared to admit.</p><p>Upon arriving at the palace, Cagalli was escorted to her room and welcomed by a battalion of stylists and maids. As was the routine, she is told to sit still, told to close her eyes and purse her lips. Hands from all directions tugged and pressed her skin. Jewels are woven into hair, set in place by copious amounts of hairspray, all while she waited for her manicure to dry.  She was drowning in glitter and rich layers of fabric. And at the end of it all, she is asked to twirl in front of a mirror, forced to say she thinks it all looks great, when who she sees in the mirror isn’t even someone she could recognize anymore. </p><p>The men wouldn’t be able to resist her, her makeup artist said in passing. They’d all give up everything to claim her, said one of the maids. These were all supposed to be compliments. Yet all she could say in return was an exhausted thank you she didn’t mean.</p><p>She sighed.</p><p>She hated nothing more than the idea of being packaged like a barbie doll and married off as if that was all she was ever born to be. Then after she is married, no doubt the question of how soon she could produce an heir would be everyone’s business. But she was just a woman. She dreamed of family: a husband who she loves and children who didn’t have to be whisked away from her by nannies and governesses.</p><p>But perhaps not in this life.</p><p>She’d discussed it with Athrun once, she remembered. They were in bed, cozy under the covers when Athrun brought up ideas for the future. He said he wanted to marry her quietly by the beach with just a handful of their friends. And then they’d start a family. He said he wanted two kids. As simple as that. She had laughed at him that night, surprised at how well he’d already planned their lives. When he asked her how many kids she wants, she jokingly answered eight and they both burst into laughter.</p><p>How long has it been since she last managed to feel as carefree?</p><p>She gritted her teeth, cursing her sudden sensitivity. She thought she had gotten better at muting the voices in her head. Yet here they were again.</p><p>In the end, despite the promising meeting they had that night in her room, she wasn’t quite able to be as forthcoming as she knew she ought to be. Their last conversation scared her, and it reverberated in her head long after they had parted. It was getting harder to deny her feelings. He had made a home in her mind again, and if she isn’t careful, he might just slide back into her heart.</p><p>That’s why she can’t face him again. A month after she had slipped and given her permission for him to see her again, she hadn’t allowed any vacancies in her schedule for that to ever happen. She couldn’t risk another exposure. Not now.</p><p>Because then she might just give in.</p><p>“Ma’am,” a senior staff interrupts her ruminating.</p><p>Fastening the last of her pins on her sash and making sure her tiara would not budge, Cagalli was just about ready to leave her room. But right before she slipped on her gloves, she was handed a phone.</p><p>It was Kira.</p><p>“Hello?” She was surprised. Kira usually tries to reach her via her direct line. But perhaps he’d finally caught on that she was avoiding him. Calling through the palace office takes so many transfers and holds but it would at least get to her somehow.</p><p>“Hello, hello! Cagalli, won’t you come say hi? I’ll be at the beach estate tonight until tomorrow afternoon for a quick stop over and I haven’t seen you in ages!” Kira begged over the phone. She could hear him pouting. And somehow, he insists he’s the older twin, she thought. “You can’t say no!”</p><p>She wasn’t proud of the ways she had shunned Kira. And she is under no delusions that he doesn’t know the ways in which she contorted herself to fit the cage she’s been put in. That was the nature of the job, she once told him during a quiet conversation at the deck of Archangel. The what ifs came up for the first time—what if she had been given to Caridad, and Kira had been entrusted to her father instead. What if the roles were reversed? Would things have turned out better, she thought out loud. Perhaps she would have been able to live life in her own terms then. And maybe she would have continued to be rebellious and blazed her own trail. But then to that, Kira replies: then we probably would’ve never met… and you wouldn’t have met Athrun either.</p><p>She was subdued by the memory.</p><p>“I can’t promise you I’ll be available,” Cagalli replied, massaging her temples and putting on an irritated tone though the truth is hearing Kira’s voice summoned a long-lost comfort back in her chest—a quiet warmth of being seen for who she is as a person, rather than just Orb’s representative.</p><p>“You <em>are</em> available. You just have to make time for me,” Kira argued.</p><p>“Fine, fine. Maybe I’ll sneak out of the ball early tonight,” she groaned but she could tell her anxieties were softening. “This is all giving me a headache and you’re not helping!”</p><p>“I’ll be waiting so you better not stand me up.”</p><p>“I won’t, I won’t,” she said smiling ever so slightly. She now at least has something to look forward to that night. “I have to go now. I’ll see you later, I guess.”</p><p> </p><p>xxx xxx xxx</p><p> </p><p>Cagalli’s goodbyes filtered out of Kira’s phone speakers.</p><p>“Well, you heard her,” Kira turned to Athrun after he dropped the call.</p><p>“This can’t be a good idea,” Athrun frowned from the couch.</p><p>“It is. It’s not like she asked if anyone else would be coming over.” Kira had a devilish smile that reminded Athrun a bit of Cagalli’s mischievous side. They really are twins, he thought.</p><p>“It’s still a lie of omission,” he raised an eyebrow. It’s not that he isn’t delighted to know he’ll be seeing Cagalli. He just hated feeling that she had to be manipulated into meeting with him. “Plus, I told you, I could just go see her. We’ve talked and—”</p><p>“I know, I know. But a month after that talk, tell me, have you actually been able to go see her? Hm?” Kira teased.</p><p>“Well, she’s busy and so am I…”</p><p>“Answer my question.”</p><p>“No.”</p><p>“Well there you go. She’s still avoiding you and you’re still walking on eggshells.” Kira declared as he took a seat next to Athrun. He handed him a bottle of beer. “Cheers. You’ll get to see her tonight for the first time in a month. And I get to see both of you. I say it’s a win for everyone.”</p><p>Athrun drank a few gulps before running his fingers through his hair nervously. Kira wasn’t lying. While Athrun’s last encounter with Cagalli showed some promise, the lack of follow through burned a hole through his already fragile confidence.</p><p>“I’m afraid,” Athrun lets out, his voice low.</p><p>Kira nods, gesturing for him to continue.</p><p>“You know I set out to be here because I decided I would reinvent myself. I’m just so fed up—always feeling like I’m running away from something.” Athrun continued. “I had it all planned out in my head like I always do—how things ought to be and how it’ll all fall into place. I set it all up. The only thing left is…”</p><p>Athrun’s voice trails away. Saying her name these days felt like a taboo—that if he called out her name she’d disappear. He paused, battling feelings of self-consciousness. He felt silly, opening up about such matters, hearing the words verbalized.</p><p>“But have I really stopped running away? Have I really become the man I wanted to be? As it is, nothing has changed. Athrun Zala or Alex Dino—nothing has changed at all. I’m still as useless here as I’ve always been. A nobody…” He continued, for a moment forgetting that Kira is sitting right next to him.</p><p>“I always thought that the thing I’m most afraid of is her anger. But now that I’m here, I realize now that what I’m afraid of the most is her rejection, her indifference—to find that she has moved on.”</p><p>He didn’t even want to bring up the suspicions he has of Shinn and what he’s doing around Cagalli now. That was another can of worms that he was scared to open.</p><p>“And if so then I… I’m just lost.” Athrun concludes, his voice but a whisper now.  He wore pain on his face, and it settled there like second skin.</p><p>Kira turned to face his best friend and laid a hand on his shoulder.</p><p>“Then you should tell her that,” he advised with a small smile.</p><p>             </p><p>xxx xxx xxx</p><p> </p><p>“Kira, I’m here,” Cagalli let herself inside the villa’s entryway. She just barely managed to slip away from the ball, rid of bodyguards for the first time in a long while. It would be a colossal problem explaining herself in the morning to the palace staff and her poor driver would no doubt get in trouble, but she decided it would be worth it for some time to get away, if only for one night.</p><p>It was late in the evening, almost midnight. She figured if Kira were already asleep, she would just wake him up. But as she made her way into the living room, she found Kira drunkenly draped on the couch while Athrun sat on the carpeted floor browsing articles on a tablet.</p><p>“Oh,” Cagalli didn’t mean to let that out so loudly.</p><p>Athrun tried not to let her reaction affect him so much but it stung after all to know he now represents disappointment to her instead of joy.</p><p>“Sorry, Kira asked me to come. I don’t think he told you I’d be here.” He clenched his jaw, he felt like it might shatter into pieces.</p><p>For a moment Cagalli didn’t know what to do—one foot inside the room and the other ready to bolt out the door.</p><p>“Um no, it’s okay. I don’t mind,” she said knowing that what just came out of her mouth has to at least be partially untrue. Because of course, she minds that he’s right there—her Achilles heel. Of course she cares that she might actually just fall into him that night and for the life of her, she might not ever know how to say no to him again.</p><p>It became clear to her instantly what Kira’s intentions were in inviting her over. If he were awake now, she thought, he would have the goofiest smile all across his face. But for some reason, she also couldn’t bring herself to be angry.</p><p>She stood still looking down at him, while he sat there looking up at her. They were in a frozen frame, the few feet of distance between them loaded with tension, the hands of the clock ticking away, getting louder and louder.</p><p>But just before the silence spirals further into discomfort, Kira moans loudly all of a sudden, mumbles a few syllables in gibberish, and stirs right back to a soft snore. Needless to say, the unexpected interruption burst through the thick atmosphere brewing in the living room. And whether or not Kira knew it then, he had in fact saved the moment. All at once the pretenses fell. Cagalli, caught off guard, let out a chuckle. It didn’t take long for Athrun to join in.</p><p>Cagalli tried to hush her snickering by covering her mouth as she made her way towards Kira but the smile was still painted on her face. “What is wrong with him?”</p><p>“He was only supposed to drink beer, but he got carried away and busted out the tequila. I told him he’ll regret it in the morning but…”</p><p>“He didn’t listen?”</p><p>“No, I’m afraid not,” Athrun smiles. He’d have to make it up to Kira somehow, he thought.</p><p>“Well I suppose I better not wake him up,” Cagalli sighed sitting on the couch.</p><p>Athrun sensed the awkward silence settling back in. And before he could miss his chance, he took a moment to be brave.</p><p>“Would you like to go take a stroll by the beach?”</p><p>He worried for a moment that he was being too bold. After all, Cagalli didn’t reply right away. Perhaps he was pushing his luck, he thought. But it was now or never. And to his delight, she replied with what seemed like a hint of pink on her cheeks:</p><p>“Sure.”</p><p> </p><p>xxx xxx xxx</p><p> </p><p>“You look beautiful,” Athrun felt like a teenager all at once, blushing to high heavens. “You always do.”</p><p>Cagalli was still in her finery, unable to change into something more casual in her pursuit of escape from the night’s event.</p><p>“Well, thank you. All the credit to my stylists for putting up with me,” she responded.</p><p>Perhaps it was the smell of the ocean, or the serenity of being under the night sky, but she found calm inside her for the first time in a while. She couldn’t help it anymore. She had been exhausted with no fight left in her to pretend to be someone else. And as always, it was him who broke her fall.</p><p>They strolled along the shore. Cagalli pulled her dress up so her feet could feel the water and Athrun offered to carry her heels for her. It felt right, she thought. Yet the parting, she understood, would inevitably have to come too.</p><p>“You should know,” Cagalli spoke with a gentle tone he hadn’t heard from her in a while. “The ball I attended today was meant for me to meet eligible men to marry. I get told to attend these events every few months, you see.”</p><p>Athrun nodded, his face falling into a contemplation. He understood of course. And he was thankful for the small step she was taking towards opening up. “I understand,” he said.</p><p>“But you don’t accept it.” She replied swiftly with the uncanny brand of self-deprecation she seemed to have acquired while he was away. She never used to do so. Cagalli had shone brightly. Athrun always thought of her as a confident and bright young woman. But it was evident how life has chipped away at that. And somehow it made him feel worse to know he had dulled her light for a few good moments of spite and revenge when he unloaded such venomous words at her in the past.</p><p>“I accept that it’s what you do for your people,” he replied solemnly. He wasn’t just saying that. He meant it. If he loves her truly, he must love her people too. His love cannot be as selfish as it once was if he wanted a future with her. And though he has reached this understanding now, he regretted not having learned it sooner.</p><p>Athrun took a few steps ahead of her before noticing that Cagalli had stopped walking. He looked back at her to find her golden eyes illuminated by the full moon.</p><p>“Have you chosen your groom?” He asked, cautiously, afraid of what her answer would be. But he needed to ask.</p><p>“No,” she smiled bitterly. “But no one is happy that I have been putting it off for as long as I have.”</p><p>“Good,” Athrun had the same expression on his face. He wanted to touch her badly.</p><p>“What do you mean by that?”</p><p>“I think you know exactly what I mean.”</p><p>“I don’t understand why you still bother, if you mean you’re still here to pursue me,” she began to walk again. “The world is your oyster, you know.”</p><p>“I told you, didn’t I?” Athrun smiled. A sweet kind, this time around. “I’m here for you.”</p><p>“I swear I don’t rightly understand,”</p><p>“This is the hill I’m choosing to die on.” Athrun tried to lighten the mood again but he meant every word.</p><p>“Careful, Zala. Or you’ll die on that so-called hill of yours a miserable bachelor,” Cagalli went along with the joke.</p><p>It’s the first time they had shared fun like this, Athrun thought. He almost extended his free hand to hold Cagalli’s, just like he used to. But instead he slid his hand in his pocket instead. He couldn’t risk breaking down her walls if she still held them up.</p><p>“You know I mean it.”</p><p>“You’re too young to be declaring things like that,” she responded, tone sobering down. She recognized that about everyone around her now. Her life is over even as she still lived it—that her life must follow a timeline dictated by old men in politics while everyone else only had to agonize over the infinite choices available to them. She felt a hint of envy in her heart.</p><p>“You talk as if you’re much older than I am,” Athrun replied.</p><p>“But my life isn’t mine to live unlike yours.”</p><p>Athrun thought about how Cagalli had saved his life during the first war and how little he could do now to save hers. It was embittering to love someone so much yet be rendered powerless anyway. He wished he could change her circumstances. He wished he could fight each and every bully in her cabinet to give her the freedom she ought to have a right to. Yet all he could do is love her. And if loving her was all he could do, then he decided he would love her with all he’s got, like it’s all he has ever known.</p><p>“Listen, I don’t care. It could take forever to work this out, I know. But I’ll live every moment of that forever to set things right.”</p><p>“What do you even expect me to reply to that,” Cagalli’s voice gave away to the hurt inside of her.</p><p>“You don’t have to respond. I just want you to know that I won’t give up on you.”</p><p>There was a brief moment of silence.</p><p>“I’m way too flawed for that kind of devotion.”</p><p>“I don’t need perfection… I just need your honesty—”</p><p>“I don’t think it does anyone any favors for me to be honest anymore,” Cagalli spoke. “It doesn’t have a place in the world I live in—honesty I mean.”</p><p>It pained Athrun to hear her talk so cynically.</p><p>“Because if I’m being honest, Athrun, I would tell you that I too would like to make it all up to you. If I had my way, I wouldn’t give up on you too,” she continued, fully aware she was now venturing onto dangerous territory. Her defenses were unraveling.</p><p>“Then be honest and tell me, all of it, without holding back,” Athrun replied. Tell me you love me still, he continued in his head. He yearned to hear those words from her lips again—a dull ache in his chest.</p><p>She didn’t reply but when he looked her way, there were tears falling quietly falling from her eyes.</p><p> </p><p>xxx xxx xxx</p><p> </p><p>The two of them walked for a few more minutes immersed in the silence between them. Only the waves spoke, and the stars were their witness. The train of Cagalli’s gown was soaked in saltwater, with sand clinging onto it as she dragged it on along the shore. The hand that Athrun hid in his pocket was beginning to sweat with the humid Orb weather.</p><p>“I should head back to the palace,” Cagalli said, looking up to smile at Athrun. It might be the last look she gets of his face for a while. She wanted just one thing of his to keep if she could—just a small memory of that night.</p><p>But he too ached to hold on to each passing second, unable to break apart from her.</p><p>“Let me take you home,” Athrun offered.</p><p>“Alright,” she replied.</p><p>The two of them made their way back to Athrun’s car. When the sand ended and the paved brick road began, Athrun paused to give Cagalli back her heels. She slid them back on as she held on to Athrun’s arm. Their limbs knew where to be—automatic, an instinct. He opened the car door for her, and when she got inside, she lifted up the sun visor because she knew he always forgets to do so at night. The way his body reacted to hers, the way she in turn flows along with him—they were in sync. They’ve got each other down to a science.</p><p>Cagalli smelled the inside of Athrun’s car and thought to herself how nostalgic it felt. He still used the same car freshener. Sat there in the passenger seat, she felt transported to a time she had long stowed away in boxes and hidden away in the attic of her heart. The sight of Athrun driving, the way he’s always smooth with the break, the sensation of the leather seat cover against her skin—it reminded her of everything she once had. And for once she heard it ringing in her head: I want this all back.</p><p>Athrun eyed Cagalli from his periphery. The ride was silent, but a craving cried inside him louder than it ever had before. Perhaps it was in the way the moonlight lit her eyes or the way her blonde hair shone like golden thread. He found himself rediscovering new ways to appreciate her beauty as if it was possible to admire her more than he already did.</p><p>At the end of their drive back, he got out to open the door for her. She knew he would, so she waited for him to do so. And when she got out of the car, it was a familiar comfort to feel him walking right next to her. He walked her up to her room without asking if he could. And she hadn’t protested when he led them thought the backdoor that he always used to sneak into her room at night.</p><p>Right at the cusp of parting, standing by the doorway, something pulled them right back together; a determination to no longer be on opposing sides of a closed door.</p><p>It was wordless the way it all happened.</p><p>He kissed her; just one short peck. But he kissed her again and she let him. One kiss after the other, deeper and deeper they fall into each other—a cascade of touch.</p><p>He remembers their first.</p><p>The innocence of that first kiss, he thought, now irretrievable, now lost to time and past selves. Chaotic as it was, battle raging on around them then, it had been a simpler time for Athrun. I love you was as innocent as it could be between a man and a woman. I will protect you meant exactly as it did.</p><p>Athrun and Cagalli had become too complex. The two of them were cursed, arrested by the anticipation of almost—almost there, almost complete, almost forever. It was always one step forward, two steps back. But tonight, they would dance. Even if the room burned around them, even if the morning proved lonely, all that mattered is their skin touching and the dark would hide the rest of the world for now.</p><p>She felt her body move without much thought. It was right there in the way her arms wrapped around Athrun’s neck, the way her hands ran down his chest to unbutton his shirt. They were on her bed now. The day and the hour, the year, the place—it all lost its meaning before his body. This was surrender—a white flag to her heart’s aching beckoning. She’d let it win for now, have its way with her, if only to catch a moment’s reprieve. And as for the heart break that will come at the end of the night, well, she’d let the morning take care of it later.</p><p>Athrun ran his fingers through Cagalli’s now loosely done hair. He undressed her hastily, impatient under the mercy of his desire. He kissed her neck down to her chest, realizing that she still wore the same perfume he had picked for her some years ago.</p><p>There was so much he’d like to tell her. He wanted her to feel safe with him. He wanted her to take the leap with him. And he’d bare the more tender words, promises, he had been holding back—the I love you, the I’m yours forever, the I’m never going to leave you. But for now, he’d let his body do the talking. That night, he would love her in the way only he could, hoping she would be reminded of how good it could be.</p><p>For however long that night would last, there remained an understanding of reckless abandon. He touched her where she enjoyed it the most and she kept his heart beating fast. She closed her eyes as she felt each of his kisses falling on her skin like rain. And when she pleasured him, he felt shivers emanate out through his spine. He whispered in her ears he loves her, and she called his name in a voice with the deepest colors of hunger. Just like that, they found their way back home.</p><p>Their hands knew where to be, joined together as he moved on top of her. His midnight blue strands falling on her face like shooting stars—there was never much else she could ask for whenever he held her. There was a rhythm to the way they received each other, a driving arpeggio, pulsating like a beating heart. It was ecstasy.</p><p>It was just the two of them in the universe that night. They’d crossed the bridge they’d been stranded at for a while.</p><p>Where it led, after all is said and done, they still didn’t know.</p><p> </p><p>xxx xxx xxx</p><p> </p><p>“Athrun, were you ever with other girls while you were away?” Cagalli asked quietly. She was laying on her back, staring at the ceiling. They still haven’t dressed. “I mean I don’t mind. It’s not like I have a right to have a say… I mean I’m asking just out of curiosity.”</p><p>Athrun turns to his side to look at Cagalli. “No. It didn’t even cross my mind.”</p><p>“I see.”</p><p>“Were you?” Athrun asked back unsure if such talk would be the appropriate topic after having just made passionate love. But his curiosity was piqued.</p><p>“Yes.”</p><p>“Ah,” Athrun responded with an automatic expression of acknowledgement but feeling immediately let down. It was an unexpected confession.</p><p>“I don’t mean then,” Cagalli clarified. “I mean after the war. I did—I mean I am.”</p><p>Athrun thought for a bit.</p><p>“Is it serious then?”</p><p>“No, far from it,” she responds, trying her best to be herself around Athrun. It was like learning how to walk again. “There weren’t supposed to be any feelings attached.”</p><p>“You know you should say that before sleeping with someone, not after,” Athrun teased trying to cover up his bruised ego. He tried to slip his arm around her waist to pull her closer, but he sensed her flinch ever so slightly. He recoiled.</p><p>The smallest movements—the strongest blows.</p><p>She didn’t say anything for a while, realizing now the magnitude of her shame. Having had a taste of truth again, she wondered why she was so adamant to replace it with lust and lies. It was all just a distraction, self-medication. What they just shared that night reminded her of everything. In that moment she realized all the love that could be if it’s with Athrun, and all that could never be if it’s with another.</p><p>“I appreciate you telling me. And I suppose I should be happy,” Athrun continued, trying to make a show of the forgiveness he knew Cagalli might need to hear from him. “Because if you’re coming clean about the other guy, then you won’t sleep with him again anymore, will you?”</p><p>Silence.</p><p>“Is it Shinn?”</p><p>More silence.</p><p>“So it is him,” he said surprised at how bitter it sounded when it escaped his mouth.</p><p>“You should thank him. He was the one who convinced me to meet with you again that night I asked you to come over.”</p><p>“I see,” the thought of owing Shinn favors felt nauseating. Owing someone who had been sleeping with the person you love felt like torture, and she dangled it on his face like it was nothing.</p><p>“Did he convince you to do that while in bed?”</p><p>That was foul. He knew it as soon as he spoke it—instant regret.</p><p>“You’re not being fair,” Cagalli replied. “We haven’t been together in a year.”</p><p>He scratched his head, irritated at himself over how volatile his reaction had been all after claiming he would understand her better now. It just hurt. The thought of Cagalli with another hurt a lot more than he thought it ever would.</p><p>“I’m sorry,” he said as he grabbed Cagalli’s hand. She held it only for a second before she slips it off his grip to sit up.</p><p>“I can’t give you anything Athrun. That thing with… with the other guy,” Cagalli was careful not to utter Shinn’s name. “It’s not complicated. It doesn’t mean anything. But us two, our arrangement is different. And I think we need a clean break before this mess gets even bigger. This is why I’ve been avoiding you—”</p><p>“Why you push me away?” Athrun interjected. This was starting to hurt more than he cared to admit. “And what do you mean our ‘arrangement?’ Why are you talking like this is just some fling?”</p><p>“You know I would be lying if I told you we could just go back to being together after tonight.”</p><p>“And I told you I’m going to fight for you anyway—”</p><p>“You don’t know what you’re saying.”</p><p>“I do,” he declared, resolutely, like he’s never been more sure of anything in his life.</p><p>For a while there was only silence. But it wasn’t empty. The air was ripe with words unspoken.</p><p>“Do you not want me to fight for you anymore?” He asked the question he feared most. And when she didn’t reply, he continued.</p><p>“You’re not making sense, Cagalli. You’re not making sense at all. I love you, you know. I fucking love you. And I know you love me too. I know because you’ve just showed me tonight even if you won’t say it.”</p><p>“I do love you,” she blurted, angry and passionate and lonesome all at once. “There, I said it. Now, did anything change? Did our situation improve? Have I now magically been released from my obligations to this country? No. Nothing has changed. I’m still unable to be with you no matter how much I still love you.”</p><p>Cagalli glared at Athrun for a while before her expression softens to a mellow frown.</p><p>“So what more do you want from me. What else could we possibly do?”</p><p>That seems to be the question they keep coming back to. Love had never been enough. It meant so much yet so little all at once, she lamented. Once she believed it was all she needed. Now she wishes she’d never known it at all. It hurt when she had nowhere to put it—no home where it could stay and see the light of day; free to breathe and live. This was why she tried her best to stop feeling. The pain was unlike any other.</p><p>“I’m sorry,” he said.</p><p>“No, I’m sorry,” she replied before abruptly lying back down with her back turned against him.</p><p>He wanted to kiss her good night, but she’d shunned him now. At a loss for words, he too turned to his side to face the opposite direction.</p><p>“Good night,” he said.</p><p>She kept her silence.</p><p>Athrun didn’t hear her a word from her anymore that night, but he felt her back touch his before he drifted off to sleep.</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hello friends! Thank you so much for reading! I apologize for posting this later than I said I would! This was such a tough chapter to write! The toughest one by far!! I’m not fully confident in this (I never am with anything lol) but I do hope it brought enjoyment to you somehow. </p><p>The next chapter should be out a week from now. Meyrin will be making an appearance but don’t throw your tomatoes at me yet lol. I can't wait for you to read it.  </p><p>Please let me know what you think! Your reviews and comments are always welcome and they always recharge me. I can’t say thank you enough for all your kind words so far.</p><p>Till the next one! Please take care and stay healthy xo</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Delirium</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“I believe you owe me a thank you and a bear hug,” Kira referenced setting up the meeting between Cagalli and Athrun last night.</p><p>“That wasn’t nice of you to force me out of a rather important event only for you to be asleep when I got there,” Cagalli replied. “And I don’t appreciate the manipulation. Not to mention the insinuation that I would cower out of a meeting with you just because he would be there too.”</p><p>Cagalli wasn’t really all that mad. In fact, she knows Kira was only trying to be helpful and considerate. But ultimately, she was too tired to give her twin a fiery reprimand. She felt especially fragile and resigned today. The night she got out of Kira’s scheming was one to remember without a doubt. But now she wants more. She craved Athrun’s presence. She now wants more of something she has spent so much time conditioning her brain to reject. Her heart and her mind were gnawing at each other now. One moment she settles with the idea of ensuring their night together remained a one-off. But then her mind strays to vignettes of his touch and the feeling of his breath against her skin and her resolve disintegrates.  </p><p>And so the madness has begun, she thought.</p><p>“Aha! So you did spend time together then!” She could see Kira’s Cheshire cat smile just by hearing his excited voice. She blushed at the comment, unable to see how denying it would do any good now that she had inadvertently confirmed Kira’s assumption.</p><p>She knew she should be thankful for having such a supportive brother, yet she couldn’t help but feel the pang of envy. Not everyone can enjoy the freedom of loving another freely, especially if one is a natural and the other a coordinator.</p><p>She sighed. She could only dream of being as free as Kira and Lacus.         </p><p>“What happened? I have to hear the details,” Kira teased. “Is he there with you now?”</p><p>God, Kira could be such a child sometimes, she thought. And thanks to Kira, the sensations of last night traveled up her spine again awakening feelings she really didn’t need to be aware of at the moment. It must be the alcohol.</p><p>She cleared her throat.</p><p>“Do you have anything else to say or is that it? I’m a busy person and I believe you’re supposed to be busy too,” she responded, ignoring Kira’s prying as she swirled her lowball glass.</p><p>“I just wanted to check in and say hi, Cagalli, really,” Kira replied. “We haven’t had a proper talk in months, and I miss you.”</p><p>“I’m fine.” Why was it so hard to say I miss you and I love you these days when it’s precisely what she feels, she wondered.</p><p>“If you say so,” Kira replied before saying his goodbyes.</p><p> </p><p>xxx xxx xxx</p><p> </p><p>Shinn approached Cagalli’s office overhearing the tail end of her phone call. He needed to drop off paperwork, but he was mostly there for his own interest. It had been a while since he had a chance to have time alone with Cagalli. He hadn’t dared visit her at night for fear of her rejection. He decided he wasn’t a masochist after all. And if she were to stop paying him any attention now that Athrun’s back, Shinn wanted to at least keep some of his dignity intact.</p><p>But dignity meant nothing in the face of deeper emotions. And he was beginning to fear the worst—that he felt something more for her than he ever intended. So there he was with his thinly veiled attempt at checking in on her.</p><p>He braced himself. He put on his mask.</p><p>“Cagalli,”</p><p>Fully expecting to see Cagalli working, the sight of her looking weary caught him off guard. She looked like she was probably only two more gulps away from being too drunk to stand straight. And it was only noon.</p><p>“Well, you are in no shape to take care of these documents that’s for sure,” he announced as he entered the room. “I guess I’ll be dealing with these myself.”</p><p>She was sitting by the bay window, looking outside. One hand holding paperwork, the other with an almost finished drink. When she turned around to show Shinn her tired eyes, she tasted a new flavor of shame.</p><p>She had used him. Try as she might to rationalize it as a mutual understanding, there’s no such thing as painless when you bare your body like that to someone. She realized last night how Shinn’s friendship bruised her. And if she felt as much, then her touch must be blunt force trauma to Shinn. The cruelty of what she had done screamed so loudly at her face. All she has done is hurt people, most of all herself. She was doing it again now. She fled from Athrun without a word, treated her brother unfairly, and now she would have to push Shinn away.</p><p>“I’m perfectly capable. I’m working right now, aren’t I?”</p><p>“Sure,” Shinn replied sarcastically.</p><p> “Who was that you were just talking to?” He sat on her desk pretending to ask the question with the smallest bit of interest. He didn’t look her way but he was eyeing her from his periphery.</p><p>“Kira.”</p><p>“I see.” Shinn felt relief it wasn’t Athrun. “How was last night? I heard you left early.”</p><p>She looked at him with fury in her eyes like a switch had been flipped.</p><p>“Why is it any of your business?” Cagalli’s agitation shot through the roof thinking Shinn found out about her tryst with Athrun.</p><p>“I’m just asking about the ball. I think it’s everyone’s business considering it’s on every newspaper—what the hell has gotten into you?” Shinn was taken aback by what he perceived as defensiveness. Over what, he didn’t know. But it piqued his interest now.</p><p>“Just leave.” Cagalli felt shame warming up her cheeks. She couldn’t say it then, but she wanted to say sorry.</p><p>“Fine, for fuck’s sake,” Shinn grumbled. “I’m leaving.”</p><p>On his way back to his office on the other end of the hall, Shinn catches Athrun walking down the grand staircase from the direction of Cagalli’s private quarters. That was all it took for Shinn to understand.</p><p> </p><p>xxx xxx xxx</p><p>           </p><p>Athrun strolled idly around the mall. It was packed probably because it was sweltering outside, and everyone wanted to cool off with the air conditioning. The fact that today is a day off is either a blessing or a curse after a night like that, he thought. In that moment, he felt inclined to think the latter.</p><p>When he woke up that morning, he fully expected Cagalli to be there. He stretched his arms searching for her. And when he couldn’t feel her anywhere, he sat right up to realize he was completely alone in her bedroom. And so he drove off from the palace to the city looking for something to keep him distracted.</p><p>The effort was futile of course. There was never any way to escape thoughts of her.</p><p>He didn’t understand why she would not at least say goodbye before she took off or leave a message —just anything at all. Back then they’d wake each other up, linger in bed a while and then get dressed together. She made him feel like they had done something wrong and shameful rather than make passionate love. Were they not two individuals connected by a deep bond? Why was she treating it like a one-night stand? It disquieted him. Even worse, he felt rather sure he wouldn’t get an answer from her.</p><p>Athrun scratched his head in irritation.</p><p>For all their tiptoeing around each other, they had finally come together. Spending last night together was the most he had touched her for a long time. She felt so familiar in his arms. It was as if his arms were made to hold her. So now that she isn’t there to hold again, he ached.</p><p>He wanted her. He needed her. That much has been made clear last night.</p><p>Athrun grit his teeth. His patience was wearing thin. The game of cat and mouse had to end, and he decided he would visit Cagalli that night to set the record straight. If she was under any impression that she could still keep pretending that their love is behind them, then he would clear it up to her that he would no longer have any of the pretense.</p><p>“Athrun? Athrun Zala?”</p><p>A vaguely familiar voice called from behind him, breaking him free from his darker thoughts. When he turned around to look Meyrin Hawke smiled at him.</p><p>Athrun looked at Meyrin seeing all the ways she has changed. Now a grown woman in her own right, she stopped wearing her hair in pigtails and has now started wearing makeup. She was blossoming into her own elegance. And while Athrun had contributed nothing to this, he couldn’t help but feel a sense of pride in her.</p><p>“It has been a long time,” Athrun said genuinely happy to have bumped into his former subordinate if only to take his mind off his overthinking. “I barely recognized you. How have you been?”</p><p>Meyrin, ever the cheerful one, gave Athrun a big hug. “And you haven’t changed at all! I’m doing amazing. I can’t believe it! I’m so happy to see you again.”</p><p>“What are you doing here?”</p><p>“My family’s celebrating my parents’ wedding anniversary and they wanted to go on a holiday by the beach. And you know, Orb has the best beaches.”</p><p>“Would you like to go have a cup of coffee?” Athrun asked. He was raised to be a gentleman after all. Plus, he had time to kill. He decided it wouldn’t hurt while waiting to visit Cagalli. “Or are you with someone else?”</p><p>“I’m with my mother. But she’s busy shopping and combing through the deals at the department store. She won’t mind if I disappear for a while,” Meyrin replied. “Come, there’s a café that was strongly recommended by my coworker the other day. Let’s try it out while we catch up.”</p><p>Athrun smiled and followed along. Meyrin had gotten a bit taller, he noted. She’s, what, twenty-one now? Maybe twenty-two, Athrun thought. Athrun felt his foul mood slip away in exchange for a better one. His troubles won’t go away. So, for now, he’ll try and live in the moment.</p><p>Athrun ordered a macchiato and Meyrin a latte. She was particularly keen to see how good the latte art this café was famous for. After bantering for a bit, Athrun succeeded in insisting he pay for it. They took a small nook at the far corner and shared a bit of quiet between them. Meyrin took the obligatory picture of her drink. He assumed she would be posting it online.</p><p>His thoughts drift to a faraway memory.</p><p>It was on a hot day like today when Cagalli shocked him with her undercover online account. He never pegged her for a social media type of person. But to his amusement, she revealed that she kept an anonymous kebab review account full of jokes and witty remarks.</p><p>“You must really like kebabs then—I mean more than I thought you did,” Athrun still rather speechless remarked as he scrolled through Cagalli’s feed. Then he noticed her handle which read as @theprisonerofass.kebab and he burst into laughter.</p><p>“This is phenomenal,” Athrun was practically in tears. Cagalli had a particularly intense kebab argument with another user under the comments section of one of her posts and the puns that were thrown around were incredible.</p><p>“I don’t get to post as much anymore. I miss it,” she replied grinning.</p><p>Her account had a sizable audience. Almost two hundred thousand follows for what is effectively a kebab fan page.</p><p>Athrun looked at his girlfriend. She’s just a young woman who enjoyed weird food combinations and memes. She had a witty sense of humor and her soul craved adventure and discovery. Yet there she was now, desk bound.</p><p>“Tell you what, next time we go out, I’ll take you to a kebab place,” Athrun offered. It’s not much. There was a lot of unspoken agony that Cagalli never lets him see. But he could tell that she was struggling with the burden of ruling a nation that had just fallen on her lap.</p><p>She smiled back at him, understanding what he was trying to do. “Okay, but if it sucks, you’re paying.”</p><p>“What do you mean? I always pay for us!” Athrun protested.</p><p>Then they both laughed. It was a running joke between the two of them that Cagalli is his sugar mama.</p><p>“I just wish I could still walk around on my own. Take the train. Play racing games at the arcade and buy video games at the mall without my every move scrutinized.”</p><p>He was hurting for her. She spoke of loss she didn’t deserve.</p><p>“I’ll wear a wig with you and go undercover.”</p><p>Cagalli looked at him with wide eyes. He’s in trouble now. “Okay! I won’t let you take that back!” She wrapped her arms around his neck and his hands immediately found their way on her hips.</p><p>She kissed him so freely then without having to double check if anyone was around.        </p><p>“What are you smiling about?” Meyrin teased, bringing him back from his reverie.</p><p>“Nothing. I just remembered something funny,” he smiled though not at Meyrin but at the memory. His mind always found a way to rouse memories of Cagalli like how all rivers run to the sea.</p><p>“I’m happy to see you smiling. You were always so serious back then,” Meyrin said as she set her cup down. “Brooding and mysterious. No wonder half the female population of Minerva drooled over you. Myself included.”</p><p>Athrun blushed at the comment. He was aware of course. But it had always made him uncomfortable. He never knew how to respond to something like that.</p><p>“But honestly, I’m glad I had a crush on you then. If it weren’t for that I wouldn’t have ended up at the Archangel.”</p><p>“I’m sorry, I really did drag you into something you had no business with,” He replied. “I took you away from your sister—”</p><p>“Stop right there!” She cut him off. “I made those choices. Not you. And that’s all it boils down to, don’t you think? Choices.”</p><p>Both of them took a sip from their respective drinks.</p><p>“And like I said, I’m glad I ended up with the Archangel. It showed me the other side—the side no one tells you about at the ZAFT academy,” she added.</p><p>Athrun nodded in response.</p><p>“It’s why I ended up in my line of work. I wouldn’t have discovered my passion for nonprofit if I never had a crush on you,” she giggled. “You were my first nonprofit client, come to think of it. There was no profiting or getting anything out off of that.”</p><p>Athrun smiled. “I’m sorry. I hope it you didn’t feel like I was leading you on.”</p><p>“No, no,” Meyrin waved her hand. “It was clear as day once I regained consciousness and I watched you around your friends and Representative Athha. I was under no impression that you would like me back.”</p><p>“I’m sorry,” he repeated. He did always feel a different kind of guilt towards Meyrin. She was always sweet. The last thing he wanted was to embitter her view of men and the world. “But I am infinitely thankful for what you’ve done for me. I doubt I’d be alive today if you hadn’t helped me out.”</p><p>“Oh stop it,” Meyrin smiled. “I promise you, it was just a childish crush. Nothing like when I split with my first love not too long ago. God that was gnarly.”</p><p>“It’s his loss, whoever he is,” Athrun attempted to make her feel better without wanting to pry. He too had lost love. He was still trying to get it back to this day. And he knows how easily those scabs rip off with the littlest prodding. </p><p>“Exactly!”</p><p>They both laughed at that. He, mostly relieved that she didn’t seem affected by the breakup she alluded to. There was a strength to Meyrin’s pep, something he wish he had.</p><p>“But hey, enough about me! Tell me about you. I heard you went back to join Orb forces. I assume that’s why you’re here now. How’s everything going?</p><p>“I did. I’ve reenlisted and I’m planning on staying here for good—be a citizen and all that,” he shared.</p><p>“Oh, that’s lovely!”</p><p>They continued to chat drifting from one topic to another. From Meyrin, Athrun learned that Lunamaria had stayed with ZAFT and is now a drill sergeant at the academy. And he had shared with her that Shinn was also now working for Orb.</p><p>“Shinn always did have a love-hate relationship with this country. But it’s clear he thinks of it as home no matter how angry he got,” Meyrin commented.</p><p>Athrun wanted to investigate how Shinn ended up in Orb but he felt sinister about doing so. Lunamaria and Shinn had fallen into each other’s arms at the end of the second war, or so he heard. But clearly that had disintegrated as soon as it came to be. Meyrin might be able to fill him in on the details but it felt duplicitous to coax her into talking about her sister in the hopes of learning more about Shinn.</p><p>The closeness between him and Cagalli brought out the worst in him. Cagalli specified there were no feelings, that it was only a physical relationship. Yet he couldn’t bring himself to accept that as the truth, at least not from Shinn’s part.</p><p>“I have seen Shinn around,” Athrun replied. But really, that would be an understatement. Shinn lingered around Cagalli. Of course, that’s to be expected from a personal aide. And yet there was something in the way Shinn looked at Cagalli, something in the way he lays a hand on her back when he’s escorting her out of the car.</p><p>“Well when you do, please rub it in his face that my sister is getting married in the Spring. Hope he enjoyed his time and space.”</p><p>Surely, it’s fair game now that Meyrin had brought it up, Athrun thought. “Oh? I had the impression that Lunamaria and Shinn were in love.”</p><p>The temptation was too much. He felt dirty.</p><p>“I don’t know about that. Shinn was always way into himself before anyone else,” Meyrin commented. “I don’t wish him any ill will but he just up and left my sister saying he needed distance. And all of a sudden, he’s devoted to the representative and rebuilding Orb.”</p><p>Athrun bit his tongue in fear than anymore prying would expose his malice.</p><p>“I get we all want to do a job we’re passionate about. I don’t want to judge him. But he should’ve been upfront with my sister about it, you know!”</p><p>“Well, never mind him. The important thing is your sister is happy and soon to be married,” Athrun steered the conversation back to a happier point. “I’m happy for her. I hope everything is going well with the wedding planning.”</p><p>“She is a bridezilla! I tell you!” Meyrin laughed.</p><p> </p><p>xxx xxx xxx</p><p>           </p><p>Athrun got home at around six in the evening that day. His apartment was dark and humid. The warm stale air greeted him as he dropped his keys in the vanity tray. He turned on the AC before he even turned on his lights. He spent one night away and now it seemed so foreign to him again.</p><p>He checked his phone if Cagalli had left a message as he got out of his clothes. But there was nothing. Not a voicemail or a text or a missed call. He tried hard not to let it drive him to insanity.</p><p>He called the palace office to see if Cagalli had returned. He knew it would illicit malicious talk but he did know the direct number and he couldn’t control himself anymore. But when he reached Cagalli’s secretary, she told him the the representative still hasn’t returned from a meeting that afternoon. He wanted to interrogate the poor secretary in case she was lying under Cagalli’s orders again. But it seems as if she was telling the truth, intimidated enough to be on the receiving end of Athrun’s adamant inquisitions. He tried to ask if he could get ahold of Cagalli’s other aides who might know her whereabouts. But when the secretary offered to connect him to Shinn as he would know for sure where Cagalli is, Athrun balked. It’s okay, he said before hanging up, even when it wasn’t okay at all.</p><p>After last night, it’s as if every moment apart from Cagalli was rife with nothingness. He didn’t know what else to do with his time. What had he even done before, he wondered. The restlessness was taking root in him. How did he survive all this time apart from her?</p><p>He wanted to do something, do whatever it takes for her to give in to him again. The thought of her retreating from him again was driving him insane.</p><p>He plopped on his couch and fiddled with his phone. His pent-up energy needed release.</p><p>He tapped on a folder of photos in his phone that he hadn’t revisited in a while. It an album of pictures of him and Cagalli together. There was one where he buried her in the sand and only her head poked out. There was one stolen shot of her while she was sleeping. There were several videos of her in his apartment kitchen, cooking him dinner that always resulted in highly experimental food. And then there were some of his that she took using his phone when he wasn’t looking—silly ones, like him getting drunk over a strong native Orb drink when Cagalli dared him to try it. Or that once picture of him sleeping and Cagalli had drawn circles around his eyes so he looked like a panda. She was kissing his cheek in that picture. It was his wallpaper for a really long time.</p><p>All the joy they shared spilled out of his phone’s screen. He kept scrolling. The last picture was taken before the two of them visited Durandal. The ominous final photo. It was their anniversary and Athrun rented out an entire amusement park for the two of them with a little help from Kisaka. Athrun took the selfie with his head resting on Cagalli’s shoulder. She wore a bunny ears headband, enjoying a popsicle, smiling sweetly. If he could travel back in time to that day and tell himself all that would proceed to happen in just a few months, he doubts his younger self would believe him.</p><p>They were so happy, Athrun thought. He felt loaded tears drop from his eyes. He tried hard to keep it together but today it seems it had all reached fever pitch. Maybe this is why he decided to stow away the photos in the first place. Maybe this is why Cagalli had tried to push him away so forcefully, why she tried hard to pretend she felt nothing, because there he was brewing in the agony and it was not enjoyable at all.</p><p>What was wrong with him, he thought, now adding fury to the mix of emotions in his chest. It was so unlike him to lose control over his feelings. He felt heavier and heavier, frustrated over feeling so stuck in an impossible situation and now he was delirious. And he would have surely wallowed in his angst for a lot longer, maybe he would have even buggered off to a bar later that evening. But a quiet knock had come at six fourty-eight that evening and all at once he was saved.</p><p>She stood there, hands in her pocket and eyes glued to the floor.</p><p>“Athrun—”</p><p>Before she could speak further, he grabbed her wrist and pulled her inside his apartment. As soon as the door was shut behind her, he wrapped his arms around her like his life depended on it. Last night she felt like water in his hands, ready to slip from his grasp. But tonight, she stood there before him, brought there by her own two feet.</p><p>There came relief, then the gratitude.</p><p>“Aren’t you going to ask why I’m here?” She asked.</p><p>“No—it doesn’t matter.”</p><p>He felt her hug him back perhaps reluctantly at first. Then he felt her arms tighten around him to let him know she too was done with the yearning.</p><p>“I’ve got so much to tell you,” she said.</p><p>“Then stay,” he responded.</p><p>“Athrun I can’t be seen leaving here in the morning.”</p><p>“I don’t care.”</p><p>“Athrun—”</p><p>“And you really don’t care as much as you say you do,” he continued.</p><p>She broke their hug. She was quiet for a while, still avoiding his gaze. But slowly she raised her head to finally face him, determination in her eyes. And the words gently rolled out of her mouth: “No… You’re right. I don’t care.”</p><p> </p><p>xxx xxx xxx</p><p> </p><p>They ended up in his bedroom after kisses were exchanged, and she washed his back in the shower after. Later in the evening he fixed dinner for the two of them. She told him his cooking has gotten better. It was as if they’ve only ever known evenings together.</p><p>The alarm clock next to Athrun’s bed now read quarter before one. Now in bed, Athrun had his arms around Cagalli’s waist. She told him once she felt safe when he hugged her from behind. And with her in his arms he had something to protect, a reason to be.</p><p>There were in bed but they both stayed awake. He could tell their peace was fragile even as they were hidden in his room. Sometimes he’d ask her to turn around so he could kiss her. She gave him kisses too, the next one always bolder than the last.</p><p>“What do we do now?” She whispered.</p><p>She looked up at him with watery eyes.</p><p>“We will be alright,” he said instead of answering her question.</p><p>He had no idea what would become of them, of course. Who could ever answer such a question. He had no idea how they would survive but at least for now they’d have each other.</p><p>“Come to me. And if you can’t, I will come to you,” he continued. “I’m here now, aren’t I? You don’t have to brave all of this alone anymore.”</p><p>It was meant to be comforting but déjà vu seldom achieves that. She was sure she had heard the same words before, but she didn’t bother telling him so. Instead she held onto him even tighter. Somehow she thought if she kept her eyes closed, none of her fears would come true.</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hello! Thank you for reading!! I hope you enjoyed the past two more hopeful(?) chapters. We’ll be going back to the angst a bit for the next few chapters as I wrap the story up. I think this will end with 12 chapters and a brief epilogue. Thank you all for sticking with me. Please let me know what you think. I really appreciate the feedback!</p><p>I’ll be posting the next one within a week. Till then, please take care and stay healthy. Have a lovely week xo</p><p>P.S.: Here’s a very short sneak peek of the next chapter, Confrontations:</p><p>“If it’s too much for you to handle, I can help,” Athrun offered though he wasn’t so sure his intentions were as pure as he wanted them to be. He felt a certain satisfaction knowing there were victories he could wave on Shinn’s face. </p><p>“No thank you, Zala,” Shinn lost his temper first. “Would you respectfully fuck off? I’m sure you’ve got other things to keep you busy. I don’t know, deflect to another military or whatever it is you like doing in your spare time.”</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Confrontations</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>A hazy voice speaks, as if submerged in water. Muffled yet distinct. He could recognize that voice anywhere.</p><p>“This is your home so long as you want it to be.”</p><p>
  <em>But I blamed you. I hated you. How could you…</em>
</p><p>“If this country is to ever prevent another war, Shinn, then I hope you’ll stay.”</p><p>
  <em>…forgive me?</em>
</p><p>“Come as you are.”</p><p>
  <em>I’m the one who should be apologizing.</em>
</p><p>“You don’t have to act so tough all the time, you know.”</p><p>
  <em>You took the knife out from my back…</em>
</p><p>“Because the longer you convince yourself you’re angry when you’re actually hurt, the deeper the wound gets.”</p><p>
  <em>…and gave me a new pair of lungs so I could breathe.</em>
</p><p>“It’s okay.”</p><p> </p><p>xxx xxx xxx</p><p> </p><p>Shinn woke up from an unintended nap inside his car feeling even more tired than he should be. He had been putting in overtime more than usual lately and perhaps it was finally taking a toll on him.</p><p>His windows were rolled all the way down yet sweat sat on his neck. All alone in the parking lot, he felt rather disoriented for a few seconds as he returned to consciousness. A dream, he thought, just a dream of a memory lost in time. Yet it wasn’t such a long time ago that it happened. Had he really changed all that much to feel so far removed from who he used to be only two years ago, he wondered. Or perhaps he owed it to shame for delicately stowing away the growing pains of that day in the back pockets of his mind.</p><p>He was searching for remnants of his life then. He was disillusioned, not knowing which direction to go or who to believe. All the rage inside him revealed itself as a deep sorrow. He tried hard to rectify the powerlessness of being made to watch the people he loved die before him, yet all it did was make him mean. Without an enemy, he was all alone. And that, he realized, is a horror of a different magnitude, singing in his head even in his sleep.</p><p>Of course, it haunted him—the lives he took, the lives he would have so willingly taken without thinking twice. If he looked in the mirror, he’d find a monster. Did Stella’s abusers feel the same guilt? And what of the politicians who made the decisions in safe bunkers as soldiers like him risked it all? Whenever he was reminded that most of these people never cared at all, the anguish swells inside him. The world is a cruel place to be.</p><p>There was no trigger, no grand event that led him to turn his life upside down. But it was always bound to happen.</p><p>One day he woke up in his apartment feeling like a foreigner. There was nothing in there for him but sterile white walls and the smell of cold air. And if he ventured out into his balcony, the soulless engineered weather of PLANT would hardly be an inspiration to go out or even draw the curtains. The colony was never his home.</p><p>He finalized quitting ZAFT, booked a flight and packed up his belongings all in one day in his impatience. And when he was at the airport, that was the only time he dared tell anyone—not that he had a lot of people in his life left. Lunamaria’s cries were visceral even through his phone. But try as he might, he couldn’t find it in him to feel compelled to stay. He had nothing there for him. Not even her. He said he needed time away and that it was something he needed to do without distractions. She had been there for him through the last battle. She was his shoulder to lean on. But if that was love then why did he feel so alone, he thought.</p><p>He came back to Orb to realize that while he had gotten older in age, there was very little he could claim to have learned in his time away. All he had accumulated were more wounds to tend to. He looked at the traffic of people around him. He looked at the signs to destinations he knew well. Even as he found himself on familiar ground, he still didn’t know what it was he was looking for.</p><p>But whatever it’s called, fate or coincidence, Shinn happened upon Cagalli giving a speech at the plaza a few days later.</p><p>Her blonde hair caught his eye first, her face on every screen. And when she began to talk about the very same ideals he had once condemned as naïve, a need was summoned inside him—a need to believe, a need to be moved. In the midst of that humid afternoon, Representative Athha’s words did just that.</p><p>He waded through the crowd until he reached the front barricades. His eyes remained fixed at her as she spoke of peace, fresh starts and the way forward. He’s sure she had several speech writers work on what to say, but she always had that sincerity about her, he thought, even back when he threw all his hatred at her. And he wanted to be carried away. He so willingly wanted to feel something. So he let her get to him.</p><p>When she finished her speech, she was escorted quickly down from the stage. Before he could think twice about what he was doing, his feet brought him to her as she shook hands, accepted flowers and took photos with the crowd on her way back to her car. He was easily just another nondescript face in the ocean of people yelling at her for a picture or a handshake, yet she recognized him immediately.</p><p>“Shinn Asuka,” she called with a gentle smile. His cynicism then convinced him it was only a public show of magnanimity, yet he realized she remembered his full name.</p><p>“Cagalli Yula Athha,” he replied.</p><p>A bodyguard had tried to chastise him for not addressing Cagalli with her formal titles, but she immediately stepped forward to lay a hand on his shoulder.</p><p>“It’s okay, I know him,” she said with kind eyes.</p><p>She asked if he wanted to talk and by the time they made it back to her office, they had already exhausted all the small talk they could think off. When Shinn blurted out an anguished apology out of the blue, she didn’t ask for details. Instead she gave him a job, a place to stay and something to protect.</p><p>He remembered the way in which she forgave him—her tone, her unwavering understanding as if she personally knew of his feelings of guilt all too well. It occurred to him now almost two years later that perhaps the reason he made his way to Cagalli that day was to hear those words exactly—the words ‘I forgive you.’</p><p> </p><p>xxx xxx xxx</p><p> </p><p>It was already late in the afternoon by the time Shinn finally got back to the office. His reminiscing put him in a strange mood. He wanted to go see Cagalli but he didn’t want to complicate her situation. Athrun has made a comeback in her life and she seems to be better for it. While he was relieved to see her open up her heart again, it would be a lie to say he did not feel displaced. There would be no more room for him—at least not in the same space he used to occupy in her life. He was always just a placeholder after all. It was his fault for thinking beyond that.</p><p>Shinn banged his fist on his desk out of frustration at the same time Athrun entered the office. They both immediately swapped looks that could not possibly be amicable.</p><p>“What’s wrong?” Athrun asked after a few awkward seconds passed without a word between the two men.</p><p>Shinn was tempted not to answer but he decided it would be even more troublesome if he acted like Athrun wasn’t in the room. He didn’t know what Athrun was doing there. He wasn’t expecting him. And it pissed Shinn off even more to have Athrun prowling around his space. He felt as if he was losing so much to his former commander.</p><p>“Nothing. Just scheduling conflicts for the press secretary and the upcoming Green Summit,” he grumbled. “They just won’t seem to agree to the terms that’s all.”</p><p>That wasn’t a lie. He was in fact dealing with a difficult email exchange. Though how much of his outburst was thanks to that is rather debatable.</p><p>“If it’s too much for you to handle, I can help,” Athrun offered though he wasn’t so sure his intentions were as pure as he wanted them to be. He felt a certain kind of satisfaction knowing there were victories he could wave on Shinn’s face. “Schedules can be complicated.”</p><p>“No thank you, Zala.” Shinn lost his temper first. The insinuation that he did not know what he was doing was enough to ignite the fight he always knew would break out between them at some point. “Would you respectfully fuck off? I’m sure you’ve got other things to keep you busy. I don’t know, deflect to another military or whatever it is you like doing in your spare time.”</p><p>Athrun felt his eyebrow twitch as his fists tightened.</p><p>“Why are you back here in Orb, Shinn? Tell me,” Athrun usually did better at managing his emotions. Yet it was so much easier to give in especially when he had always been waiting for the chance to throw shots at Shinn. His pride took a hit and he’d been nursing a bruised ego.  Since Cagalli revealed her relationship with Shinn was a lot closer behind closed doors, he had been tormented by thoughts of Cagalli in Shinn’s arms.</p><p>“It’s none of your business,” Shinn dismissed Athrun.</p><p>“I heard from Meyrin you left PLANT without saying a word.”</p><p>“So you’ve been talking to Meyrin. I assume Cagalli doesn’t know that.” It was a low blow, but Shinn had to hit Athrun where it hurts. “Gotta keep your options open in case you need a backup plan, huh?”</p><p>“You think me and Cagalli’s relationship is that shallow? Maybe you would do something like that but don’t group me along with the types of you.” Athrun scoffed. He felt like a school kid in the playground getting into a petty fight over who could use the swing next. “You know nothing.”</p><p>“I know a lot acutally. If you think your relationship isn’t on shaky ground after everything you’ve done, you’re delusional.”</p><p>“I’m sorry if this is a disappointment to you, Shinn, but I’ve known her for much longer than just a year or two.”</p><p>“And it only took me a few months to get in her bed.”</p><p>Athrun saw red and in a flash, he had grabbed Shinn’s collar, pinning him against the wall. The papers on Shinn’s desk flew everywhere and some of the books on his shelf fell on the floor with a loud bang. And one of the secretaries in the room next door rushed out with a gasp.</p><p>“What?” Shinn taunted. “Too much for you to handle? I could help you.” He pushed back, planting a punch on Athrun’s jaw. He wasn’t going to take this one lying down.</p><p>Athrun wasted no time returning an equally charged attack. But before the two could go further, one of the palace guards rushed to break the fight along with the distraught secretary.</p><p>“Hey, what’s going on here?” The guard asked, standing in between Athrun and Shinn.</p><p>“Nothing. It’s okay,” Shinn said, chin up as he straightened his uniform. “We’re fine.”</p><p>Athrun touched his lip to find it busted and bleeding. He cleared his throat. “Yes, perfectly fine.”</p><p>“This is no place to fight,” the guard warned sternly before heading out. The secretary hesitantly went back to her station. There would be no doubt the incident would be palace gossip by tomorrow.</p><p>Athrun returned his attention to Shinn, fighting the urge to grab his collar again.</p><p>“I know it’s your job to be around her but I’d rather you keep your distance from now on Shinn,” Athrun commanded.</p><p>“You’re not my boss. She is. And she hasn’t told me to get lost yet,” Shinn said turning his back now.</p><p>“She’s marrying someone else, you know,” Shinn had enough of arguing but he would claim victory this time after all.</p><p>Athrun’s brows furrowed. “What do you mean?”</p><p>“Ah, so she hasn’t told you.”</p><p>“Tell me what, Shinn?” Athrun demanded.</p><p>“She needs to get engaged before the year ends. It’s an ultimatum from the government. She got a scolding for putting it off after the last ball. They told her to pick a husband already,” Shinn explained, flashing one last defiant look at Athrun. “And it sure as hell won’t be you.”</p><p> </p><p>xxx xxx xxx</p><p> </p><p>How is it that the weeks of joy he had experienced was so easily washed away in a moment, Athrun thought. They had been doing so well lately. Though no one dreamed of keeping a relationship secret, Athrun felt as if he had achieved his purpose whenever Cagalli would kiss him and hold his hand behind closed doors.</p><p>“Cagalli,” Athrun charged into the room with more weight in his chest than he intended to let show. He headed straight into her office from his argument with Shinn. He felt all his anxieties drive him into a frenzy. This can’t be happening again, he thought.</p><p>“Is it true?” He slammed his palms on her desk as fighting words escaped his mouth.</p><p>“What is?” she asked looking up from her laptop. She could already tell that the conversation won’t go well. Athrun never got angry unless he had no other choice but to be.</p><p>“Shinn told me about the ultimatum,” he replied, disgusted by having to utter Shinn’s name. He left his explanation at that because he didn’t want to bring up the details.</p><p>“Ah,” she stood up as she walked towards the window, arms crossed. She had been waiting for the confrontation to occur since she heard from her cabinet. She always knew Athrun would find out one way or another—just not from her. She hadn’t the strength to bring it up, not when they were finally able to feel whole together again. She knew of their borrowed time. And perhaps it was selfish of her to keep him in the dark if only to cherish something she would eventually have to give up.</p><p>“Cagalli what—Don’t tell me you’re going to let yourself get married off again,” Athrun said searching for an answer in Cagalli’s eyes. When she looked away, he felt his heart sink.</p><p>“You know I have responsibilities, Athrun—”</p><p>“Ah, I see, that explains everything,” Athrun was never the type to be sarcastic. Yet how else could he possibly respond to the situation. He found out that nothing has changed after all that he had been through to make it back to Cagalli. What’s worse is the fact that he heard it from someone else, and Cagalli wasn’t even trying to alleviate the situation.</p><p>“You’ve really changed. You were never like this. Not when I first met you. Now you’re falling apart at the seams, and for what? To please those old men in your government? You’ve lost your soul over them and you don’t even care,” he accused her, taking a step back, haunted by the reoccurring nightmare of losing the person he loved most. “You’ve changed. I never knew you to be a coward—”</p><p>“And you haven’t changed at all,” Cagalli told him, and it wasn’t a compliment. “You still don’t understand a thing.”</p><p>“What else is there to understand other than you clearly don’t care about me? All you think about is yourself,” he said in the heat of the moment and immediately regretting it. Cagalli isn’t selfish, he knew that well. But to be constantly passed over for another love—a country no less—is a hurt he has yet to conquer. How could he win against an entire population? How does one compete with a rival like that?</p><p>“Is that what you think this is?” Cagalli raised her voice, unable to hold back any longer. “Not everything’s about you, Athrun!” Her words were mean, and they slipped out of her mouth so easily as their talked devolved into mudslinging.</p><p>“God Cagalli! For crying out loud, is it too much for me to ask that you at least try—try to acknowledge me, try to at least fight for me? I’ve practically been groveling on my knees since I came back, can’t you see? I just don’t want to lose you!” He grabbed her shoulders, looking deeply into her eyes. They’ve turned opaque again, he thought.</p><p>She pushed him back, unable to stand his touch when it was so forceful and livid. She couldn’t stand to see him angry, yet she returned fire just as indignantly.</p><p>“Do you have any idea how long I held on to us getting back together even after you’ve abandoned me, only for you to come back to Archangel barely alive with another girl, no less—and <em>you </em>of all people are asking me to try? No, I refuse to be the one you’re leaving behind when you change your mind again.”</p><p>The memory of realizing how Athrun must have protected Meyrin, the intrigue that grew in her heart whenever she wondered just how much Meyrin must have liked Athrun to sacrifice so much for him—she thought she had done a better job at keeping those thoughts at bay. She didn’t want to admit it but perhaps she was in fact envious of that devotion she could not afford to give Athrun.</p><p>He looked at her, furious, feeling betrayed to find out that Cagalli doubted his relationship with Meyrin after all.</p><p>“Stop that, Cagalli,” Athrun was yelling now, shaking his head in disbelief. “You’ve become someone else.”</p><p>“This is life Athrun! People change. People <em>have</em> to change,” Cagalli yelled back. “I made the choice to marry Yuna for my people before. And I will make that choice again this time. I’ve done all of this out of duty and I refuse to regret that.”</p><p>“Well unfortunately, Cagalli,” Athrun began with his own version of defiance painted on his face. “Much to everyone’s disappointment, the only person I have ever loved is you.”</p><p>“You don’t think I feel the same way for you?” Cagalli replied.</p><p>That was enough to keep Athrun quiet for a while, his head bowed down in mourning as time heaved between their aching and yelling. What was there left to do, he asked himself repeatedly. What could he do to convince her to keep holding on? It seems he always found himself at the same dead ends. The clock ticked away as if saying: <em>nothing, nothing, nothing. </em></p><p>When he finally decided to open his mouth, Cagalli felt as if her heart was made of porcelain and it had just been dropped from the top of a skyscraper.</p><p>“I won’t show my face here anymore then,” Athrun said. “Clearly I’m not wanted here.”</p><p>Cagalli watched Athrun turn his back on her. He was leaving her all alone again, she thought. Even though she knew she was being unfair to him, no one wants to feel abandoned.</p><p>She slipped back on a mask—the one she had learned to put on during her separation from Athrun. She cursed herself wondering why she ever took it off. It was always going to end in disaster. A future with him was always beyond her reach. Why had she ever taken a chance, she grieved.</p><p>“I told you, didn’t I? This wasn’t going to work,” her voice was ice cold. She felt herself retreat back into the shadows of her heart. This way it wouldn’t hurt.</p><p>He left her with one last condemnation: “But did you have to give in so easily?”</p><p> </p><p>xxx xxx xxx</p><p> </p><p>“Cagalli, here. The paperwork you asked for,” Shinn entered the office that late September evening.</p><p>“Thank you. Would you ask someone from the engineering core from the base to send a report about the security breach the other day. How have I not gotten any explanations for that?”</p><p>“Just ask Zala,” Shinn replied, unaware of what had transpired in the same room a week ago. “Isn’t he an adjunct officer for that department?”</p><p>Cagalli flashed an angry look that almost immediately dissolved into worry. Then it clicked that Shinn hadn’t seen Athrun anywhere near the palace for a while.</p><p>“Ah,” he said. A part of him felt guilty. It was his doing. “I’m sorry I told him. It’s not like he wasn’t ever going to know.”</p><p>He sat on her desk back turned against her so she wouldn’t have to worry about feeling embarrassed. It had been a while since they last talked beyond work.</p><p>“I’m not an idiot you know,” she started. “If I were him, I’d react the same way.”</p><p>“Was he angry?”</p><p>“Very,” she answered. “I just make everyone angry, don’t I? I’m too good at it. I should’ve known better.”</p><p>He stood up to face Cagalli blindly emboldened by her touch. He thought maybe just one more time, if he’d let her, maybe he could be her temporary love again.</p><p>When he leaned in to kiss her, she turned her head.</p><p>“You know I wouldn’t ask for anything more than this,” he said softly, almost like a plea.</p><p>“I know.”</p><p>They shared a quiet moment, both looking at different directions. Shinn feared that if he dared look at her again, he might cry.</p><p>“Sometimes I wonder,” Shinn whispers. “If we had met at different times, under different circumstances, would we have… Could we have…”</p><p>“I don’t doubt it,” she said, turning to face him, though she wasn’t sure she meant it. Was it a kindness or a cruelty to say words like that, she wondered. She walked towards the couch if only to give herself some space. Feeling took such a toll on her now and she was exhausted of letting people down.</p><p>“I think at some point I…” he began, “I think I love you.”</p><p>She paused before replying: “I think maybe we believe our own words if only to save us from ourselves.”</p><p>“You don’t believe me when I tell you that I love you?”</p><p>She didn’t reply, holding her tongue, holding her peace.</p><p>“I suppose you would know what it’s like—love I mean,” he spoke after a while of quiet, begrudgingly perhaps. “You have him.”</p><p>“Had,” Cagalli corrected. “I think he finally understands that staying away would be best for everyone. And I hate him for it. I hate having ever met him. I wouldn’t be in this position if I never—”</p><p>“The longer you convince yourself you’re angry when you’re actually hurt, the deeper the wound gets.”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“That’s what you told me,” Shinn explained. “That’s what you told me when I came back here. You should take your own advice, Cagalli. Stop acting like you hate him because you know you love him. You’re hurt, not angry. You’re hurt because you want to love him but you won’t let yourself.”</p><p>Cagalli didn’t speak but she felt tears rolling down her cheeks. She was crying now. How she hated being reduced to tears. She wanted to do something, stand up against everything that oppressed her. But she was too spent to figure out what path she should take. She had changed herself to fit whatever it was her people needed. She acted in ways she never would have and said things she didn’t believe in. But what of her? What of her needs and her wants? How much of her did she have left, if any?</p><p>Shinn offers her a handkerchief without saying a word as he sat next to her.</p><p>“Thank you,” she said.</p><p>“You’ll regret it all your life I think.”</p><p>“Regret what?”</p><p>“Regret letting him go,” Shinn answered.</p><p>“I’ve got no more fight left in me, Shinn,” she said. “I’m so tired of fighting everything and everyone.”</p><p>“You blame yourself for the war, don’t you?”</p><p>She didn’t reply.</p><p>“And you blame yourself for hurting him.”</p><p>The two hurts infinitely heavy in her chest and yet everyday she is forced to choose one over the other.</p><p>“It’s just who I am—my name, my position. There’s no helping it.”</p><p>“You’ve never been a quitter, so don’t talk like that. There are a lot of things that cannot be helped but giving up on loving someone isn’t one of them.”</p><p>“Why are you encouraging me to fight for Athrun?”</p><p>“Because I want you to be happy.”</p><p>Shinn got up and headed for the door. Just before going into the hallway, he turned around to take one last look at her, worried she would fall apart. But then he remembered the way in which she forgave him. There was no way all that strength had gone away. He believed in her still.</p><p>He smiled at her even though she wasn’t looking.</p><p>He decided he’d let himself love her still even if it wasn’t in the way he wanted to. And he was fine with that.</p><p>Walking out the door, he resolved to find his way forward again if only to honor everything she had given him—treasures that would stay with him forever, even if she could never be his.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hello everyone. Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed this semi-Shinn focused chapter. Please let me know what you think!</p><p>I'm taking 2-3 weeks of break from writing so the next chapter, I'm afraid, might not be out until the start of October. I'm so sorry for the delay! I've been feeling a bit burnt out and it's causing me to feel low and doubtful of the quality of my writing. So I'm just going to step back a bit. I already have the rest of the chapters mostly figured out so I do know what's next and how to execute it. I just need to rest a while.</p><p>Thanks so much for reading. I can't believe I've passed 30k+ words with this fanfic. I never write chapter fics because they're personally just not my style but I'm thankful I started this after all. </p><p>Till next time! Take care xo</p>
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